Balls to Gender Equality (#3)

Welcome to blog 3 out of at least five I’d say. Maybe more.

This episode will be based loosely around gender equality. As you’ll soon find out I’m not the most educated hamster on the planet. I studied at the School of (very short) Life which doesn’t really cover this subject in its curriculum. But, by Joseph, I’ll fumble my way through it.

Equality is where men and women get the same thing because they are equal. Easy. They get paid the same for doing the same job, they have the same rights over their children and their views are respected on the same intellectual level… For the sake of this blog let’s pretend that’s all true.

Some would say the battle for equality hit a high note when a pretty, young biatch called Emily Davison (pictured) got annoyed when she, and a load of other women , couldn’t vote so she picked a fight with a horse (who had long before come to peace with his inability to vote). The horse won.

Long story short a chain reaction was sparked, bras were burned and women got to vote for the same dicks men were sick of voting for.
There was no more inequality and we all lived happily ever after.
Except for…

Revealing Clothese82da43046306d93a9b069a935a25960
There was outrage recently when it was revealed some women in some workplaces were being told to wear things like heels, low cut tops and make-up etc. All very naughty stuff. Men everywhere should be ashamed. Its quite right they shouldn’t be made to but at least women can wear said items if they choose to. Women can wear the kind of top that shows off a lot of breast.

For arguments sake let’s say 40% of a ladies breasts can be on show at any one time in the workplace, a discotheque or even a high street. No problem with that but what about men?

For many men without breasts to flaunt it’s rubbing salt in the wound when Linda from Sales is flashing her cleavage at you and you can’t return the favour.
Let’s even up the balance and allow men everywhere to have their gonads on show. Obviously it needs to be done tastefully. You can’t really have any percentage of penis out because ultimately it would put you off your Sainsburys Meal Deal sitting opposite your boss in the canteen when he’s got his hampton out (female bosses are also available).

images-1 Would it be so bad though if men were allowed to let a bit of sack show? Just the same 40% that women are giving us of the boobs though, we don’t want men getting more than the ladies get. How nice to level up the playing field when Tasha tells the world that she’s “a confident, independent woman” and that’s why she wears a near unbuttoned blouse, that George can then reply “You know what? I’m a confident, independent man. Here are my balls”
I’m already working on a testicle bra I’m thinking of calling the Bean Bag. Plenty of time to perfect it, I’m not on Dragons Den till March.


Sports images-2
An area where both men and women rule and even mix together (tennis mixed doubles for example). But in a world craving equality will we ever be truly happy until every sport is mixed?

There are stories all over the Internet of girls going all ‘Mulan’ to infiltrate male football teams just to outclass them on the pitch. Plus football isn’t the contact sport it once was so you’d hardly have to worry about it being too rough. Even then the really tough contact sports like rugby and boxing could still mix it up.

If you had a female boxer who was the same size and strength as David Haye why couldn’t she step into a ring with him?

vintagewomenboxinginskirtsandblouses12Rugby too. Big muscular men and big muscular women going toe to toe on the rugby field. Great stuff. Think of the interest around the world! I’m excited by it. And all in the name of equality.

Facial Hair4bfb1950-e8ea-4668-bae7-636aa871a4c0_16x9_600x338
Now let’s be frank about this. We’d probably all look down our noses at a woman going about her business (ew!) in Aldi rocking a full blown Bluto stylee on her grill. And to my knowledge it’s not something all girls can actually achieve but there are some that have treatment for the removal of facial hair. But why? Just let it grow ladies. After an initial 2 year period (ew!) of regularly spotting bearded ladies in the street we’d all be immune to it wouldn’t we?
But keep it neat girls, you’re not animals.


Crying During an Argument hqdefault
A technique that has been royaly monopolised by women throughout the ages. When a female is up against the ropes in a barney with her partner because it’s fast become apparent she’s in the wrong they can adopt the water works option and completely shift the placement of power.


Rachael: What’s with the face?
Darren: I know about you and the milkman (Google it kids)
Rachael: I’m sorry, it was one time. It was a mistake and it’ll never happen again.
Darren: I’m leaving you
Rachael: (starts crying) NOOOO DON’T LEAVE ME! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME??
Darren: Oh baby I’m so sorry. I was wrong to say that. Please don’t hate me! (Hugs Rachael)
Rachael: (Grins and eyes glow red)
True story.

Answer me this though (because I don’t know) what happens when a man fights fire with fire (tears with tears). I imagine it would be like the scene at the end of Ghostbusters when the sky turns black and the world tries to end.da406559-9695-48a3-9854-8fb634f0c3a6_zpssttrmty0
By the way this analogy works for either male or female versions of Ghostbusters. Both good films. A great example of equality. Imagine the look on Emily Davisons face if you told her one day there’d be an all female cast in Ghostbusters. Priceless.
Just shows how far we’ve come as a race.

H. McKenzie


4 thoughts on “Balls to Gender Equality (#3)



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