A Crap Guide to Bristol (#7)

Happy Friday to all!
Normally I’d churn this blog out on a Friday night but then it interrupts all the good Friday TV. So instead I’m doing it when I should be working.
Even though my never used Facebook page says I’m from Sheffield I’m actually from a magical land known as Bristol (I don’t use my Facebook page because since I signed up I’ve been inundated with whores, BIG style).
Bristol as you’ll probably know is great. Its also the birthplace of the great Cary Grant, Stephen Merchant, Russell Howard, Justin Lee Collins and me, Hamster McKenzie, how you doing?


It’s also been used as a backdrop to film the likes of Teachers, Sherlock, Skins, Doctor Who and scabby Casualty who did the dirty on us buggered off to live with Cardiff. Slut.
But I’m here today to highlight some less glam areas in the beacon of the Southwest. Where documentaries are made about squatters in our swimming pools and how we have the worst roads in the UK.
Come take my hand/paw and I’ll lead you through this enchanted landscape.
The Old Strachan & Henshaw Buildingspeedwell
I’ve no idea what used to go on in here or who Strachan & Henshaw were. Give me a sec…
(Hamster McKenzie frantically taps away at laptop)
AH they did some sort of engineering or something machiney. Fascinating.
More interestingly in the years following its closure it became a swingers club called The Office. Not sure if this is where Hanham lad Stephen Merchant and his mate Ricky Gervais got their inspiration from when writing that hugely successful comedy. Uh, what was it called? That’s it. Extras.
(Legally I think I should probably state that Ricky Gervais has never visited the seedy sex club, The Office, before. Stephen Merchant, probably)
Like Ricky I’ve never been in there but I have heard that there is a room in there where you can lie in a bath while men, ahem, pleasure themselves over you.
If it’s all the same with you, this will be the only chap getting his fluids all over me in the bath.6165zmhzjsl-_sl1000_

I must just say I’ve just found their website and saw this hilarious statement on there:
‘Condoms, Lube and wipes are available in all rooms’
Brilliant.
Kingswood High Street29/11/07 Pic Michael Lloyd  Pic shows Kingswood High Street, Bristol
To those that don’t know Bristol and think Vicky Pollard was probably an unfair stereotype of our great city I say this: You’ve clearly never been to Kingswood.
If you want to see a group of lads all wearing a hoodie with tracksuit bottoms that ‘don’t go’ along with plain black trainers and visible socks then you’ve come to the right place.

It’s not as bad as Knowle West which, to use Poker terminology, will see Kingswoods Vicky Pollard and raise it an abandoned mattress. I didn’t have much to do with Knowle West growing up which is probably why I’m writing this and not swerving my XR3I to avoid that upturned shopping trolley.
On the Kingswood plus side there is a Wilkinson where I once bumped in to Snoop Dogg buying his mum a peg bag (again, may not be strictly accurate).9dqnzf116azotedpzz8nw6x1bzkszshoaibsjdqzopsokqcn1bizdk99x82zk4rxfktjayatoe-wuoj51qs320
I’ll be honest I do have friends from that area and it’s not all bad. Plus I was a derogatory character there once, having drank to much in Chasers and thrown it all back up over the toilet floor (if you were the cleaner there about ten years ago I can’t apologise enough).
I can’t leave it on a bad note can I? What else is good about Kingswood?..
If you like knitting there’s a Shaws.

4782282-large
Shock, a police car.

 

The Memorial Stadiumebrzmzxrzqukswz-20090928151816
Wow. Just look at this place. Home of Bristol Rovers. Honestly I don’t remember it being that big. Hang on let me double check… My mistake, this is the Memorial Stadium Nebraska.
Here’s the home of Bristol Rovers:6640258_orig

Not to be confused with this old shed:old_shed_on_day_house_road_hillesley_-_geograph-org-uk_-_314891

And certainly not to be confused with Ashton Gate, Home of the mighty Bristol City (Note: at the time of going to press Bristol City are NOT mighty. Not mighty at all)ashton-gate-stadium-featured-image
I’m not going to mock Rovers too much. Largely because they’re on the up and we’re plummeting like a knackered lift. Plus they’ve got a new stadium on the way (though we DO like red tape cocking things up in Bristol. Arena anyone?)
Oh and they have a new Jordanian moneybags owner.
As you were.

 

Stapleton Road2983201
Welcome to the worst road in the UK! If you don’t believe me follow this link!

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/forget-the-home-office-crime-mapping-1695400#ICID=sharebar_twitter

The report is a bit old but principally it’s still the same. Maybe even worse now. It’s a hotbed of crime, prostitution and drug pushing. And if you’re planning on visiting Bristol, good news, because it’s right off the M32 so you can’t miss it.
It’s also next to the occasionally acceptable Eastville Park and rarely acceptable Ikea. So you can feed the ducks, buy a flatpack mug tree and then treat yourself to a ‘teenth’ (thank you Breaking Bad).

I was driving through it one night and tried a U turn, very badly at a junction and got a bit stuck. In the snap of a condom two night workers approached the car before I could sort myself out. Still, a good time was had by all. In all honesty I got a bit nervous and sped off before the fuzz arrived. And I don’t mean the police.
Filton Airfield p534728211-3
THE now defunct Filton air strip and home of an aged Concorde which someone fell off a few years ago, luckily for them it’s been grounded for years or they’d have had more than a broken arm. Over the years many famous people have landed at this stretch of concrete (just made that up) but none more so than the other Hamster – Richard Hammond.richardhammond_1444897c He landed here after his 300mph jet car crash in 2006. Not directly from the crash obviously he’d need to be going a LOT faster to do that, he just had a hospital transfer to be nearer home.
It’s a little sad that these are the only facts I have about this lovely old airfield. Other than, if you look at the picture, it looks slightly like a very long cock and balls.
The M32

15876064-large
Rarely this clear

Is it a motorway? is it a duel carriageway? Its clrarly a motorway as it has an ‘M’ at the start. Whatever it is it lost us the vote to become the 2008 European Capital of Culture. Apparently the judges didnt like the way the M32 cut through middle of the city. And not forgetting the aforementioned Stapleton Road kicking our chances in the gonads.
Other M32 news? Construction on the new bridge over the M32 for Metro Bus has caused two deers to get trapped in a nearby allotment.

oki_the_roe_deer_i_3419319b
Not one of the deers I mentioned

So you see, like your home town or city, Bristol does indeed have some pants parts but unlike your hometown or city, Bristol is still the best place in the world to live.
Well, it’s alright.
H. McKenzie

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