Men have it worse (Episode 1)
Now let me just say anyone who’s read my work will hopefully know by now my humour is slightly dry and a bit tongue in cheek. The title of this blog might suggest to any newcomers that what follows will show that I’m a male chauvinist pig (hamster). You’ll be expecting me to say:
“Yeah women give birth but the pain doesn’t compare to being kicked in the goosegogs”
It won’t be anything near as funny as that and besides which I’m fully aware of what women go through during childbirth as I have seen One Born Every Minute at least until the second lot of adverts.
My aim with this little mini series is simply to highlight some issues men face on a regular basis. Things that maybe you women wouldn’t be aware of. Possibly even a few things some men wouldn’t be aware of.
Let’s see shall we?
Here we go, he’s gone route one already.
I think everyone is aware of mens toilets etiquette, i.e don’t use the urinal next to someone unless there is no other option including using a cubicle, even though it is only number ones. But I’m not talking about that right now.
The main focus here is the blocked urinal.
This problem is two fold.
1) You walk into the gents to find a urinal is full to the brim with another man’s fluids and a poorly positioned bucket resides underneath it.
Of course you knew that was the case because when you walked through the door you were walloped in the face with an aroma that not only suggested there might be a plumbing issue within but that the issue has gone unattended for at least three days. Generally, in the summer when the smell is so intense, if you have a well trained palate you can tell what the culprit had to drink that day.
The one good thing is that aged piss does resemble the colour of a beautiful sunset.
Swings and roundabouts.
2) Much like The Walking Dead was followed up by Fear The Walking Dead telling you the back story, I’m going to fill you in on how point one came to be. For I…. was there.
Sometimes in life you are witness to the birth of something great. Maybe you went to see The Bangles first ever show before they made the big time.
Sometimes, however, you witness the spawning of something awful. I have witnessed – Nay CREATED the beginnings of the overflowing urinal. And I’ll tell you it was a horrible experience.
I was in the middle of three receptacles (I cant say urinal again I’ve already used it loads) and as you’ll have already worked out the stalls were occupied and there were men either side of me (otherwise I’d have used the furthest one wouldn’t I?).
Once in position and mid flow it became apparent the pipe was filling pretty swiftly. It gives the same sound a bottle does when you fill it under the tap, going up in pitch until it gushes out the top. Naturally I’m inwardly panicking as the bowl is starting to fill and I’ve literally nowhere to go.
I don’t want to adopt the ‘Pinch technique’ incase one of the guys next to me sees and thinks I’m a bit weird (because for some reason I care about that).
The only option is to keep going, effectively playing a game of Piss Chicken, in the hope God will intervene.
Then out of my peripheral vision I see a wondrous sight. The man on my left is shaking himself off!
No one has ever considered that as wondrous before now.
I have hope once more! Unfortunately he’s one of those extended shakers. He’s taking so long shaking his schlong off that I’m convinced George Michael had been arrested for less (God rest his soul).
I now afford myself the ‘Pinch’ knowing that what follows makes it a necessity anyway.
The endurance shaker zips up and leaves (doesn’t wash obviously, very common occurrence) allowing me to ‘stem the flow’, manoeuvre past the modesty barrier and release into the new, free flowing vessel before me.
All of this was witnessed by the third guy in this group who not only caught me gripping myself but also caught my eye allowing me to see his pupils grow in disgust.
More than this though he knew that he had shared with me the beginnings of the natural phenomenon that is the overflowing urinal.
I like to think he’s out there somewhere telling his kids the story.
You know the worst thing about all this?
There was no Chewing gum to aim at.