It’s that time of week again when I put thumb to smartphone and conjure up, what initially seems to be good content only for me to take issue with 80% of it later on.
David Bowie once said
“We can be heroes just for one day”
Saying that he also did that awful duet with Mick Jagger, but then they can’t all be gems.
You’d be forgiven for thinking this week’s blog (no idea why I refer to it as ‘this weeks’ blog, I’m spewing these out as and when I feel like it) is about the somewhat terrible BBC comedy ‘My Hero starring Ardal O’Hanlon.
Quick point on this, if you look up Ardal O’Hanlon on IMDB (I LOVE IMDB) the first show on his filmography is My Hero but if you click on My Hero he’s not even in the three Top Billed Cast! The man once played Father Dougal for God sakes!
Anyway it’s not about that show. My little piece this time is about my heroes. I think you’ll agree the term ‘hero’ is banded about much like the term ‘legend’ or maybe a knighthood.
It’s a label given to Z list celebrities who win a meal for camp by ingesting a kaola bear anus (Note to Ant and Dec – I’m yet to see a scrotum on the menu boys, make it happen) or a footballer who spends more than two seasons at the same club.
However, I too, will be belittling the word hero as there will be no doctors or nurses on this list. No war veterans, firemen/women or old ladies beating off (oo-er) young hooligans with her handbag. My heroes are the following people. People who I’m almost certain you’ll have seen on your travels this week.
Thank the good lord Santa Claus I’m not blind. I would be a terrible blind person in the sense that I would just give up. I’d be quivering under a duvet all day ‘listening’ to the TV and not with the audio description on either. Have you tried audio description on your TV? It’s basically like having someone in your living room who won’t shut up. Ruins Eastenders.
Audio Description: Bianca shouts Ricky.
Alright it’s not quite like that but you get the idea. And clearly I stopped watching Eastenders some time ago.
On top of having their soaps buggered up blind people have to contend with going outside. Some of them with only a stick!
I’d be terrified. What if I put my stick in some dog poop? What if someone kicks me in the balls? What if I lose count of my steps and end up in the Massage Parlour instead of the Co-op and as I’m leaving get spotted by the village gossip or woman as they’re better known (all complaints to @hamstermckenzie).
Being blind isnt enough of an excuse to be able to wash that stench off. The Parlour I mean, not the poop.
There’s a lot to contend with. That’s not to take away from the deaf who cannot hear the morning bird song or Jimmy Carrs laugh but I’d rather be deaf than blind. Ain’t no deaf people getting kicked in the balls.
Specifically the ‘shuffling’ Old people. Pretty much a lot of what I said about blind people can be copy and pasted here.
If you or I want to pop to the shop, we pop to the shop. Some of these old folks have to plan their day around popping to the shop because they can barely move! Again, if I was in that condition I wouldn’t leave the bed! I happily sit there watching The Chase or repeats of Bullseye with the emergency pull cord within reach.
Mind you, this doesn’t extend to the very able bodied elderly. Those octogenarians who who swim a mile every morning can piss right off, they’re fitter than me!
How many parents here? Raise your hands…
How many of you have the support of a spouse or partner?
And how many of you are completely exhausted after the first two hours of each day?
Pretty much all of you I’d imagine.
Take away that supporting partner and what have you got?
I’m not saying we don’t love our kids and wouldn’t do anything and everything for them but dear God we need a break.
So I’m highlighting those that, despite being on their own and looking after at least one child 24/7, as heroes.
They entertain and educate, feed and clean, protect and get abused all day and all night often for no thanks.
And then there’s taking them shopping! Man alive it makes me shiver. They deserve their own award. Something like the:
Singletons National Award for Top Children Handling
Or SNATCH for short.
I’d be interested to know who you’d give your SNATCH to.
Is that an un-PC thing to say? I hope not. I’m not attempting to offend I’m trying to honour.
I’ve noticed in recent times the number of joggers have increased dramatically. Maybe it’s a fad or a seasonal thing. Maybe it’s the latest technology making it more appealing to the masses. For a while now I’ve had a ‘Running’ spotify playlist set up along with an armband to put my phone in to play said list and also Bluetooth earphones so I don’t get whipped in the face by trailing wires when I jog.
WHEN I jog.
Which could be never. Because I have ZERO motivation for such a tedious and torturous task. And I’m not actually fat. I’m not skinny either I’m kind of just right, plus a little bit extra. Even so it shouldn’t be an issue for me to go running. It should be near impossible for a much larger person though. Running is HARD. Running carrying 18 stone must be a killer! How are they doing it??
Granted the results must spur you on but to get to that point is miraculous to me.
Dog Poop Picker Uppers
I hate this. With a passion. I hate dog poop and I detest the sight of people picking it up. The thought of it makes me dry heave.
I’m not a snobby hamster by any means but come on, seeing a dog adopt the stance, do the do and all the while the owner is taking a baggie out of their pocket and placing it over their hand as if it acts as some kind of barrier against what you’re about to grab at! Not for me. Hence these people are heroes because if a knob like me had a dog (and I dont) I would leave the mess there. These people are going through the puke barrier just to keep the roads clean for you and me.
If you are a poop scooper then you have my admiration and respect.
Just don’t come near me.