BJs For a Song (#11)

Word up
It’s been a while since I wrote anything blogwise as I just couldn’t think of anything entertaining to put down. As you’ll see shortly I didn’t let that stop me.

As you may or may not know in another life I have a mobile disco which is a funny old past time made less funny by the fact that every bastard and his dog are doing it now and are driving the prices through the GOD DAMN FLOOR!

If I want to do a ‘do’ now I virtually have to pay for the privilege myself.

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Me in action. Why not.

Anyway..
You meet some interesting people and see some interesting things and it hit me that one could maybe ramble on about it here. It’s my blog after all.

More often than not the booking I get are for weddings, birthdays, the usual thing. You spend the night playing to a room of normal people semi behaving because they have family around. It’s not always the case though and in particular when you are just doing a regular stint at a pub.
Now I’m not the best looking chap around (I’m not hideous either mind…am I??) But it’s not unusual to get groped whilst queuing at the bar (sometimes by women) or even to be flashed while you’re behind the ‘decks’. I say decks, I operate from a laptop which will probably upset the purists. Doesn’t put the flashers off though. I’ve seen plenty a breast and foofoo I can tell you.drink-fun-get-drunk-party
They don’t bother me (obvs), the ones that bother me are the slightly weird ones who stand in the corner staring at you. Often this is a middle aged man clutching a pint of bitter and only offering a sway when Madness comes on. There’s only so many awkward smiles you can give someone.
Actually that reminds me of the time where I could see a bloke out of my peripheral vision just stood by the wall looking at me. After a while I looked up at him agitated and frowning the sort of frown that wouldn’t threaten your Nan, only to find it was a mirror.
Worst of all are other DJs. Dear Christ I hate them. Coming up to you with advice on what songs to play:
“You should play Country Road to this lot, they’ll love it”
No I shouldn’t, now piss off.
Banging on about their equipment, asking what make of speakers and lights you’ve got. I have no idea what I’m using! I buy them in the disco shop cos they look pretty.

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An example of an older woman

I also tend to attract the attention of the older woman, which is fine generally until they start spilling their Prosecco on the keyboard.

I did give a certain sixty plusser a lift home one night (she was a friend of a friend before you say anything). We pulled up outside her place and she leant over for a thank you peck on the cheek. She stank off Ouzo but I leant over anyway only for her to grab my head and full on ram her tongue in my mouth! It was at this point I realised she’d clearly been sick quite recently. There were no more lifts home after that.

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This isn’t her. This one’s a catch by comparison

They arent all old mind. I did once have a young woman offer to suck me off (her words) if I played Usher again. The only thing that sucked that night were my principles because I declined.

Speaking of the ballache that is the request. What is it that makes someone cut through the crowd of people happily dancing to Whitney Houstons ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’, to request Ironic by Alanis Morissette? (True story)

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No irony

It’s standard practise for someone to ask for a song constantly all night and when you finally cave in and play it, making sure the room knows they requested it (cos it’s shite) they piss off outside for a fag!

benidorm-madge-im-having-a-fag
I hate Benidorm

I’m all for asking people to supply me a list of their favourite songs ahead of a party because it shows I care but if you put any Drum & Base, Goth rock, acid house, trance or anything after 2015 on there you can whistle.
Another request you won’t be granted is

“Can I sing a song?”
Unless you are Frank Sinatra himself you aren’t getting your hands on the mic, so jog on. drunkenmunk
That said I did once give in to a girl who said she made it through to the judges on X Factor. It wasn’t until after her performance it hit me that Wagner and Rylan made it to the live shows and that I probably shouldn’t have bothered.


Having said all this I do enjoy it and despite once being threatened if I didn’t play Oasis, there are perks that come with experience. For example you won’t hear Oops Upside Your Head or T-Pains Low unless there’s someone on the dance floor in a short skirt. oopsup
Hey if I’m gonna get harassed I gotta get something out of it too.

H. McKenzie

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