How you all doing?
I wasn’t going to write anything yet but the app I use to store my blog idea notes is filling up and, frankly, I need the space.
Today I will discuss fear. Kind of.
If I’m honest not much scares me. Apart from the obvious stuff like death, injury, the elderly and spiders.
I bloody hate spiders. Am I the only one who sees them scurrying out the corner of my eye just to find there’s nothing there? They’ve gotten into my head and they know it the little bastards.
Anyway, I’m not going to go as route one as that. Like I said not much scares me BUT I am quite an anxious person. A lot makes me nervous and the majority of it is barmy.
Let’s delve shall we?
Yep, McDonalds. What’s so bad about them? Not Ronald (though his scary rating is due to go through the roof with the new IT remake coming soon).
My fear is walking into said establishment because, for me, it’s not always obvious how to get in the damn place.
Moving from the car park towards the building you realise there is a waist height fence in the way. But which end do you walk to? Where’s the entrance? After picking the wrong end and doubling back you get to where the door apparently is but it’s still not clear!
It’s an automatic door with no handle so it looks just like a window. Some of them have a door on the left with glass to the right. When you’ve realise which is which you go into the airlock inside to be confronted by another door/window combination but they’ve swapped the pissing things round!
Surely this is merely annoying not scary? Nope. Because all this time you’ve been awkwardly trying to get in and buy yourself an obesity injection there has been an audience. A whole host of young families, large people and business types with laptops watching you stand infront of a pane of glass waiting for it to open up.
And to top it off they didn’t have any vanilla milkshakes anyway.
I’m scared of my children.
They aren’t monsters physically or mentally. In fact they’re perfect (I’m biased obvs). However I cannot relax around them. I worry. About everything they do. EVERYTHING.
Climbing on the sofa?
They’re gonna fall and break an arm.
They’re gonna lose an eye on a crayon.
Running in the park?
They’re gonna trip and take all the skin off their face.
Walking in the supermarket?
Someone’s gonna push a trolley into them.
They’re gonna roll out and crack their heads open.
On the iPad?
They’re gonna get a tumor.
Sat too close to the tv?
It’s gonna fall over and crush them.
Leaving them in school?
The teachers gonna go crazy and drive to Canada with them to start a new cult where they pray to a giant grasshopper and eat nothing but curlywurlys.
It. Could. Happen.
Not in the way you might think. I don’t get stage fright, penis envy or anything like that (not that I’ve got anything to be proud of either mind).
I have it in my head that one day I will be having a wee and generally being quite vulnerable stood as you do with your back to the world, only for some nutter to come up and stab me.
A bit extreme I grant you but it could happen and probably has at some stage in history (not to me though, I’d remember that).
And that’s not a good way to be found is it? On your back covered in blood and piss with your hampton out.
The singer. Only joking, it’s the film. But not all of it.
There’s a scene where Sarah is being chased by a group called ‘The Fierys’ (I think).
Freaky looking shits that have the ability to decapitate themselves and, since Sarah offended them by throwing their heads away, they are now perusing her to remove her head.
Naturally this scared the living balls out of me as a little one and after the sad death of David Bowie last year I thought I’d watch it again.
Still makes me uneasy.
Look at them though. Even if they didn’t remove heads for kicks (literally) and worked for UNICEF I’d still run off screaming like Kermit the Frog if I saw one in Walkabout.
I’m fairly new to this scene.
I recently got the Samsung Gear headset which my Galaxy S7 slots into allowing me to leave behind my Ultra Superdooper HD reality behind to journey round specially designed landscapes that clearly aren’t real.
That said it’s very consuming. There’s an app called Face Your Fears and, at the risk of sounding like someone’s Gran, it’s very nervy.
One part of it sees you sat up in bed in a haunted bedroom. Featuring subtle noises, doors opening on their own and a little demonic child jumping out at you.
But the worst stage for me is the spider one. This sees you stuck in a cellar while progressively bigger spiders reveal themselves and start crawling towards and climbing up you.
The funny thing is they don’t look particularly real and you know they aren’t but.. oh my god it’s coming towards me, IT’S ON ME IT’S ON ME GET IT OFF!!!
The jumpiest bit was when a relatively small one descended on a web in front of my face. I literally jumped.
You want to know how it ends? Well I’m ashamed to say I can’t tell you as…. I’ve never made it to the end.
Hot Air Balloons
I love hot air balloons. Growing up in Bristol, the home of Europes biggest International Balloon Fiesta (10th-13th August 2017, bring the family) it’s hard not to.
But as a boy I couldn’t get near one. Loved them from afar but when they got too low my heart started to race.
And while all the other kids were letting a freshly grounded one deflate all over them I was stood in the shadows.
I’m a bit better with it now. When you hear the roar of a burner and the local dogs going mental on a Sunday afternoon I’m straight outside to give a friendly wave to the basket of people who, let’s face it, have done nothing to deserve our admiration. They could all be rapists and bankers for all we know but there we are, barefoot on the pavement grinning up at them like they’re going to make it rain twenties all over us.
It seems my youthful phobia of the bulbous aircrafts has filtered through my genes to one of my kids though as he wouldn’t get too close to one that landed near us recently.
Wonder what else I’ve passed on?
Maybe I’ll dump him outside a McDonald’s and see how he gets on.
That’s it from me. You’ve been a great audience.