Christmas in June (#17)

Alright kids

It’s been a while so let’s crack on.

In the words of the late great Noddy Holder (he’s not dead he just should’ve been here half hour ago):

IT’S CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAS!!

TELEVISION PROGRAMME..... Christmas Top TenNoddy Holder........C4  Tx: Saturday 18 December 1999 FOR USE AS CHANNEL 4 PROGRAMME PUBLICITY ONLY
Kipper tie? Lovely, milk and two please.

Alright it’s not, it’s actually (checks watch) June 30th but I haven’t wrote anything for bleedin ages and I need to get something down soon or I’ll never do it again and this is all I got.

So allow me to start by saying I’m one of those annoying people who puts the tree up in mid November because I LOVES Christmas.

Oh and (let me get this out the way) I’m a hypocrite too because personally I think all religions are a load of old fanny.
I don’t really give a rats ass about the baby Jesus until Johnny Mathis starts singing about him in that velvety tone. Funnily enough it’s also the only time of year I give a rats ass about Johnny Mathis too.

angry-god-wtf
A depiction of an angry God. No actual photos exist

So why do a Christmas blog in the midst of summer? Because come the festive period I imagine the market will be flooded with them and I want to get a good seat.
Here’s a few things I like about Christmas and before you question my credentials, I bought Millenium Prayer by Cliff Richard, alright?

If anything I’m over qualified.

 

The Run Up

ADVENT-layout_FINAL
Possibly the BEST thing about Christmas is the actual run up to the big day and so much better than the day itself as that signals the end.

The run up starts in mid November as I mentioned when the decorations come out though I technically start before that by playing my Xmas Songs playlist the day before.

I don’t really do any Christmas shopping since getting a wife. That’s not me being sexist it’s reality. I’d love to do it but she takes control of the whole circus. But I enjoy it. The crowded shops, the music over the sound systems, the wintery outfits of the shoppers. It’s bloody magical.

christmas-shopping
Fa la la la la la la la LAAAAAAA

Sometimes I just go into town with nothing to buy, get myself a hot chocolate (to go) and wander round watching everyone else whilst trying to locate the Salvation Army I can hear playing somewhere. Oh and speeding up when I hear them starting to play Silent Night because I don’t want to miss that. It’d be like attending a One Direction concert and going for a wee when ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ comes on.

image
Not Harry Styles

Every year I regularly have the same dream where I wake up and it’s December 27th and I’ve missed Christmas and I’m genuinely upset because I didn’t get to do any of this stuff.

Adverts

freightliner_classic_coca-cola_christmas_truck_2
Holidays are coming.. in five months

It’s become a bit of a ‘thing’ now for the all the shops to spend the years budget on a big, glossy, attention grabbing TV commercial and I for one fully appreciate it. Yes they’re over the top and pointlessly sentimental but I don’t care, it’s what I crave.
My favourite one you may have forgotten. It’s the 2013 Morrisons advert from the period when they had enough pulling power to get Ant & Dec pretending to work behind the Fish Counter.
It features a gingerbread man singing his own corporate slant on ‘Be Our Guest’ from Beauty & The Beast (the 1991 Disney film not the recent remake that I can’t be assed to watch as, even though I’m a big manly man, the original is one of my favourite films). All performed among a sea of glorious festive foodstuffs that can be bought at the now flailing store, while Ant and Dec look on.

Morrisons Christmas advert 2013
Just look how happy Ant is with that cute little guy prancing around. Both watching the Gingerbread Man

Argh it’s all so happy I wanna scream with glee! Ant wasnt depressed filming this let me tell you.

I’ve added a link because it’s still on YouTube so you can enjoy it.

 

 

Filmschristmas-montage-long-e1449541003466

I can hear you yawning now at the idea of reading out my list of favourite films that feature snow and/or Santa so I won’t.

That said Muppets Christmas Carol is still the best. Oh and Scrooged. Oh and The Holiday!
Sorry.
I’m gonna put you onto a Christmas classic that I’ll be very (VERY) surprised if any of you have watched.
Elmo Saves Christmas

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Not Elmo From Accounts

Yep. Elmo. Elmo from Sesame Street.
I’m 36.
This year will be my twentieth of watching it.
My oldest child is five…
I’ll not delve too deep into this as it is ultimately a movie for infants and let’s be frank you aren’t going to watch it are you? But I will give you one revelation from the movie.
Elmo has EYELIDS!

 

Songs

Christmas-Carollers-Christmas-2008-christmas-2805588-549-448
“I’ll take you to the Candy shop”

As I’ve mentioned I, like many others, have a Xmas Song playlist. Mine has around 200 songs on it and from mid November to December 25th very little else gets played in the car or the shower.
All the old faves are on there because there aren’t many new faves around. Every year a plethora of new Christmas covers come out and they’re all ho-ho-horrible (nicely done).
The last decent album to come out was from Leona Lewis and prior to that my all time bestest – Michael Buble.2017-06-30-14-49-10-
Here’s some songs that get my bells jingling (not sure why I said that but I’ll leave it in as self punishment) that you may not be aware of.

 

When You Come Back To Me – Jason Donovan
Show Me The Magic – Jamie Cullum
Walking In A Winter Wonderland – Leona Lewis
O Holy Night – Il Divo
What Are You Doing New Years Eve? – Harry Connick Jr
A Winters Tale – Queen
Put a Little Love In Your Heart – Al Green & Annie Lennox

 

You’re welcome.

 

TV Specials

Portrait of the Real Santa Claus watching TV
Now which channel is Babestation?

Isn’t it great when a show you love does a Christmas Special?

Only Fools and Horses, Gavin and Stacey, Frasier (Can’t just be me) etc.

Every year I seek these out to watch them yet again. I even bought the boxsets of The Two Ronnies and Morcambe and Wise Christmas Specials. Not because they never age, quite the opposite.

ronnies-84
Innuendo+Cross dressing+Songs = Winning formula

They’ve properly aged and they always send me back to the early eighties when I was a little one watching the grownups laughing at them and now I get to do it all over again. Hopefully my kids will do the same in years to come.
In fact I’ve already passed one Christmas special from my youth onto my kids.

The Tom & Jerry episode called ‘The Night Before Christmas’.

images
Got one of these for the Mother-in-law (Credit 1970s)

I hadn’t seen it for a good twenty years and then, last year there it was, like my own Christmas miracle. Sky had put it on demand just for me (probably). I didn’t cry but I must’ve been close. There was no mirror near me but I’m fairly certain I had a look of wonderment upon my face.
There’s one person out there making TV shows now that REALLY gets the festive season and that person is Seth MacFarlane. Road_to_the_north_poleHis ‘Road To The North Pole’ episode of Family Guy is an even mix of festivity and dark humour.

I know its summer but watch it NOW.
Then download Seth MacFarlane’s Christmas album.
Then watch ‘Chas n Dave’s Christmas Knees Up’ on YouTube.
I’m giving you permission.

 

Yours

 

H. McKenzie
Notable absentees: Yankee Candles, Pinterest

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