I’ve done another blog. Or rather I’m doing another blog but by the time you read this it’ll be done.
I’ve tried working today but honestly I haven’t got the energy for something I SHOULD be doing.
But this? This I’m happy to do.
This episode is about stuff I don’t like. Which, I think, is a blog standard. I haven’t checked but I’d say 67% of bloggers have done something like this so now I’m getting my effort out of the way early doors.
I’ve tried to spice it up a bit by calling it Room 101b so you know it’s like the TV show ‘Room 101′ but by adding the ‘b’ it leaves me free of lawsuits. Not that anyone from the BBC is gonna be reading this (or anyone from anywhere for that matter).
You know what I mean right? You go into a shop like BeWise or Poundland (other shitty stores are available) and they’ll be playing all your favourite hits through the speakers.
Just not by all your favourite singers.
You wanna hear George Michaels ‘Father Figure’ sung by someone who wouldn’t make it to the judges section of X Factor?
You’ve got it!
You wanna hear Adam Ants ‘Prince Charming’ sung by someone who sounds like they’re mid poop?
You got it!
You wanna hear Celine Dions ‘My Heart Will Go On’?
Of course you don’t, no-one does.
I assume this is done to flounce licensing laws and save money but I’d rather have it silent than listen to that load of old fanny.
I’m not religious but I’ve prayed for the staff in these establishments having to listen to faux Sugababes on a loop.
What the hell’s a PROWDOWBALS you cry? I’ve literally JUST made it up so I forgive you for not knowing.
It’s People Reversing Out When Driving Out Would Be A Lot Simpler
It’s also not very catchy.
So you’re in a parking space in a supermarket (or maybe even cinema, who knows?) when someone decides to reverse out of their parking bay.
But you can’t help noticing the space in front of them is vacant! They could drive forward AND see where they’re going! (See diagram provided)
And you know what? It’s ALWAYS old people. There, I’ve said it.
Speaking of which..
Old People in Doorways
I don’t mean the homeless before you all start sending hatemail (I’m still troll-less by the way if anyone’s interested in the role).
I’m talking about when a person, and let’s face it it’s always an old female person, let’s call her Rose, walks into (or out of) a shop and in the opposite direction she see another old person, let’s call Florence and, for the sake of a crap gag, let’s say she’s a large set woman and her friends call her Heavy Flo.
Then this happens:
Rose: Oooh hello dear
Heavy Flo: Oooh hello Rose, I haven’t seen you down the hall for a while. How are you keeping?
Rose: Well you mustn’t grumble had you Flo? You’re a long time dead.
Heavy Flo: Well this is it Rose. Do you know I’ve got 82 GREAT grandchildren now?
Rose: Oh you haven’t?
Heavy Flo: Yes, our Kelly’s youngest just had another three on Thursday!
Rose: Ooh the one that was on Jeremy Kyle last year?
Heavy Flo: Yes that’s the one. She never did give up in the end…
And so on.
All this whilst clutching trollies in the entrance to Asda as the Heart Breakfast chopper hovers above reporting on the resulting tailbacks.
I suppose you could ask them to move really.
I’ve seen a Foxy Bingo ad recently that had Heather Graham (Boogie Nights, Austin Powers 2) in it that I was equally impressed and saddened by but generally these bloody bingo ads are more infuriating than that time my predictive text turned Boogie Nights into Google Nights, because it clearly thinks I’m a twat.
Usually they contain fallen soap ‘stars’ that have left the Street/Square/Dale for the pursuit of Hollywood and didn’t make it as far as Withywood (It’s a place in Bristol).
Worse one of all though is this bag of bollocks from Gala Bingo which sums up everything I hate about everything which is weird because I have nothing against yachts, women or sailors yet here I am wanting to destroy all of them.
I think I’m probably most angry with the woman in it because she’s made herself look like a cock.
I could come in for so much stick on this one because
1) My blogs are regularly over 1000 words long
2) Mine are read by a total of about three people
3) Hamster you’ve only been doing it for six months I’ve been blogging for effin’ years so WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO COME ON HERE TELLING ME HOW TO WRITE YOU INEXPERIENCED JUMPED UP LITTLE SHIT!
I’m right though aren’t I? I open some blogs and they are an endless stream of words without paragraphs and no
pictures to break it up a bit. (See what I did there?)
I’m only simple, I struggle with that much text.
The annoying thing is I’ve trawled through some (if people read yours you have to, don’t you?) and they’re really good but you know damn well others are gonna give them a swerve because they look intimidating.
Still, what do I care as long as you’re reading mine??
So there you have five things that annoy me. I did have ten but that would’ve been unbearable for you, the listener.
Plus, like a rowdy hen party, I’ve just been banging on about long ones.
Until next time.