I can smell it. The freshly cut grass, the meat pies, the bovril. The stinky fat bloke two rows in front. Can you smell it too?
That’s because we are nearly upon that most glorious of times – the start of the shiny new FOOTBALL SEASON!!
So I thought what better subject to force upon my adoring public. The irony being that most of my adoring public don’t really follow football. But who knows this might turn their heads or, indeed, get me some additional adoring (football loving) public.
Below are my predictions for each final position of the Championship for the upcoming 2017/2018 season.
Why the Championship?
Because it’s the best league in the world and my team, Bristol City, are in it. If I followed Bristol Rovers this would be about League One, but thankfully for you and especially me, that’s not the case.
There’s obviously 24 teams to pick so I’ll be brief on each of them. Odds are you’ll only look for your team and get annoyed at where I placed them. Feel free to abuse me about it I really don’t mind.
Before you scroll down would you like to guess where I’ve place the finest team in the land (Bristol City)? You may be surprised but most likely you just won’t give a toss.
Here we go then, in reverse order:
24th – Ipswich Town
I think the following will happen. Ipswich will have an average to poor run forcing Mick McCarthy to get the poke after 600 years in charge. Some clown will come in and highlight just what a good job Mick was actually doing by making Town even more poo.
23rd – Preston North End
I don’t fancy Alex Neil. In a managerial sense or physically. I believe he may have got slightly lucky joining Norwich when he did to get them up only for them to fall apart in the Prem (as many teams do). Plus they beat us 5-0 last season so balls to them.
22nd – Barnsley
I like Barnsley. I’ve always had a soft spot for them since Danny Wilson took them to the top flight but now I just think they might get found out after a good season last year.
Of course if they beat us at Ashton Gate in the opening game on Saturday I stand to receive a verbal bashing from a bunch of people who sound like Darren Gough.
21st – QPR
I don’t care for QPR really. I love Ian Holloway (rightly or wrongly) but I think he’s fighting an uphill battle taking this mob on again. I think they’ll stay safe though and hopefully still with Olly at the helm.
20th – Millwall
I’m looking forward to our game with Millwall (said no one ever). They have got that fan who stood up to the London Bridge attackers but he was since filmed being a bit racist so based on that I’ll give them safety but only just.
19th – Burton Albion
Everyones tip for the drop last season and this. Except me. I think Nigel Clough has a good thing going here and it wouldn’t surprise me if he took them even higher next season. After all Blackpool and Bournemouth went up to the Premier League and they’re both tiny too.
18th – Sheffield United
Chris Wilder is the future. He’ll take this mob to the top flight in a couple of seasons but you have to start slowly. Easily safe this term, playoffs the next.
17th – Bristol City
I feel I’ve been very realistic here. If I’m honest, as one of the few not calling for Lee Johnsons head last season, I believe we could have a push for the play offs. However, we are just as likely to lose a game as we are to win it and now Tammy Abraham has flown west to the smoggy shores of Swansea we may struggle up top. I do have a sneaky feeling that Matty Taylor might just come good now though. Put a monkey on it.
16th – Hull City
Had they kept Marco Silva in charge I would’ve tipped them to go straight back up but now they have some Slutsky in charge who’s gonna have to adapt and that takes time. Who knows, I could be wrong.
If I’m honest I watched the highlights of the 2008 Playoff final the other night and I’m still a bit raw from it so count yourself lucky I don’t have you going out of business.
15th – Norwich City
Average team. I know nothing about Daniel Farke other than he has a childish name. Haven’t been the same since Darren Huckerby left.
14th – Cardiff City
I don’t really like Cardiff City funnily enough. They always beat us, always finish above us and they’ve nicked my favourite player – Lee Tomlin. Plus they buggered everything up for us last year when they were in the bottom two and we were flying. We had to go there after an international break and what did they do in that fortnight off? Get in Neil Bastard Warnock! They were always gonna win after that. Still at least we scored a cracking goal there. Now who was it that scored?… Oh.
13th – Sunderland
Massive team that probably should be in this league but unlike when Newcastle came down I really don’t think Sunderland are geared up for this at all!
Destined to do a Villa
12th – Bolton Wanderers
You always get a team that comes up and keeps it going for another season. Plus they have Phil Parkinson and who doesn’t like him?
11th – Wolves
Chucking money around like Richard Prior in Brewsters Millions. But he won’t be going to Old Trafford next season and neither will Wolves. They like changing managers too much.
10th – Leeds United
Every season I tip Leeds to go up and they never do so this season I’m saying they won’t do jack. Would be good to see how Luke Ayling does in the top flight though. He was good for us. Never understood him going. Sigh..
9th – Middlesbrough
I nearly forgot Middlesbrough existed last season they were so poor. It was only Bob Mortimer flying the flag that kept them in my thoughts. I think Gary Monk will get them up but not this year. Theres still too much of last seasons stinkiness on them.
8th – Sheffield Wednesday
I think they’ll struggle with having come so close yet so far over the past two seasons and it will start to tell. Carvalhal will get the boot in December and then they’ll get Steve Evans in. Maybe.
7th – Brentford
I don’t know how they keep doing so well in the Championship but they do. I’d be interested to know if Bees fans have any expectations because my thinking is it must be pretty mellow at Griffin Park.
In my head Brentford is a hippy.
6th – Nottingham Forest
Play off place for Forest? Surely not!
I generally find Forest underwhelming. I shouldn’t because of the size and history of the club but whenever we play them it’s a bit like a reheated meal. It was good once but its just not doing it for me now.
I think that may change now Warburton is the head chef though.
5th – Reading
Jaap Stam didn’t piss off after all. That’ll keep you up there if nothing else.
4th – Birmingham City
This is largely a team that should’ve been in the playoffs last season until the owners went a little bit Spongebob and changed the locks without telling the loving Gary Rowett. Then ushered dirty slut Gianfranco Zola in through the back door.
Now they’ve shacked up with Harry Redknapp who has already shown he’s going to do good things there after last seasons finish.
That doesn’t mean they can buy our players for a pittance though.
3rd – Fulham
So close last season and one of the more impressive teams I witnessed at the home of football last season (Ashton Gate). Its going to be an entertaining one for Fulham again I reckon.
2nd – Aston Villa
Steve Bruce isn’t it? Been there and done it with lesser teams than this. Plus he’s got Terry and Samba at the back and Kodjia up front! Who isn’t impressed with that?
He’ll have to use the back two sparingly though as they have a combined age of 142.
1st – Derby County
This just feels like the right call for me. Derby have flattered to deceive so much in recent history and whenever they have gone up they’ve been awful (excluding the Paulo Wanchope era).
They just need to start well and keep Steve McClaren away from the place and they’ll be laughing!
So there you have it. Villa and Derby go up with, lets say, Birmingham through the playoffs and Barnsley, Preston and Ipswich going down. Who knew??
I’d like to tell you the odds on this table coming to fruition but I can’t be arsed. Maybe someone else can do it.
Don’t be too upset if I’ve done your team wrong. After all I’m just some bloke pretending to be a hamster so what the hell do I know about anything?
I’ll be dead in two years anyway!
Oh and if you want to join my Super Six league the details are below
I’m in a Soccer Saturday Super 6 League, think you can beat me? Head to http://super6.skysports.com/league/join?code=1K86CM and join my league