Hello and welcome to the first (and possibly last) in a new series of
An Interview With a Hamster
My first victim is Twitter regular and owner of
‘The Confusing Diaries of a Puzzled Mummy’
Here you go…
Hamster: I have no idea how this will work but let’s try it
Louise: I’m game
H: Yes I gathered you were. Right, before we begin do you have a pen and paper to hand?
(some time passes)
H: Don’t rush. I’ve only been up on the wheel all night!
L: 😆 No! I’m sat here bloody breastfeeding!
H: Just like the time Michael Parkinson interviewed Mohammed Ali.
Wait… is this part of the interview?
Was the pen and paper a trick question?
H: Its no trick.
L: Why do I need a pen and paper?
H: Because during the interview I’d like you to draw me something. I was going to suggest an image but i’ll leave that to you. However I don’t want the little one going hungry.
L: OK. Just let me finish lactating and then i’ll get back to you?
H: Sigh. If you must.
L: Soz mate.
H: All this is being included mind.
(more time passes)
L: I’m here! Waiting with baited breath.
H: And a pen and paper presumably?
L: Uh huh
H: Great. So get drawing me something then and i’ll get you to send me a picture of it at the end of the ‘interview’.
H: Nice. First up a few standards.
L: 33 😭
Which I presume is a lot older than you considering you’re a hamster with a much lower life expectancy to humans.
H: I’m 11 months, but very advanced for my age.
L: I can tell!
H: Where are you from?
L: I’m from sunny Blackpool however I now live in Staffordshire
H: What’s your blog about and how long have you been at it?
L: Around 2 years. It’s basically about my life as a parent and how I fuck up on a daily basis. I started it because I felt like I was the only parent in the world who literally had no clue what I was doing. Turns out I’m not.
My six year old saw me drawing a picture and now I’m being made to draw pictures of pacman for him.
Thanks for that
H: This is the gift that keeps giving.
Do you ever get trolled?
L: Not really? I guess a couple of times I’ve had people give me a bit of shit online, but I’m usually too drunk to notice. In fact, it’s probably me that started the row.
H: Yeah I can imagine.
Have you ever been a member of a fan club?
The sort where you get a certificate and a badge etc.
L: Not a chance! Although I had an unhealthy obsession with Taylor Hanson when I was younger.
I’d still smash him.
H: Who the HELL is Taylor Hanson?? Alan’s brother?
L: I forgot you were only 11 months sorry.
L: This was many moons ago.
H: Alan’s son?
L: Who the fuck is Alan more like?
Am I allowed to swear in this interview?
H: Is this one of Hanson?
L: Yes it is!
H: Yeah he looks alright. Not sure I’d smash him. I might play with his ears a bit.
The adult one I mean! (Christ!)
L: 🤣🤣 Shall we start again?
I’m having panic attacks about this picture.
H: Without thinking give me a five letter word NOW!
I couldn’t think of five letters!
H: Better. I would also have accepted twats.
L: Yeah! That’s really hard! I thought of a few words but then had to think of them in my head and count how many letters there were! They were all four.
H: I dare say.
You can have £5m but you must spend a year as Sooty, unable to speak with some bloke controlling you from beneath. Do you accept?
L: I need a few more details.
H: Hit me.
L: Which man would be controlling me from beneath?
If you were to say Tom Hardy or Leonardo Dicaprio then yes. Yes I would.
H: Currently this guy:
L: I’m gonna need more than £5m.
H: You’re a classy lady I’ll give you that.
The next question is observation. Im going to show you a clip and I want you to watch VERY carefully.
The question will follow.
L: Ok. I’m excited.
H: Don’t be!
(Enough time passes for Louise to watch the video)
H: Are you ready for the question?
L: Yes. It’s going to be nothing to do with that clip is it?
H: Bloody is!
L: Go on then.
H: Do you like mash potato?
L: Yes I do. But not smash. In fact, I’m the fucking queen of making mash.
L: You made that up on the spot. I can tell by how shit the question was.
H: Sadly I didn’t..
L: Oh.. This is awkward. Maybe I was expecting too much.
H: But it did lead to a nice image of you making mash.
L: I’m sorry it’s me not you.
Except mainly its you.
I do make belting mash
H: Let’s move on..
*Cuts observation round*
H: You’re walking down the Portree Road in Blackpool with your newly purchased peg bag when out of the blue Snoop Doggy Dogg runs up and licks your Mint Cornetto.
What do you do?
L: First of all I’d throw up. Because I find him nauseating at the best of times.
H: Is the Cornetto ruined or do you just lick the other side?
L: Yes but I’d probably still eat it.
H: I’d like my previous comment about being a classy lady stricken from the record.
L: I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of ruining my cornetto, the wanker.
(This time I disappear for a few minutes to take a work call)
L: You spinning on that wheel again?
H: Sorry I had a work call.
L: I didn’t know hamsters worked!
H: In my case it’s extremely rare.
L: What’s your job?
H: Professional bellend.
So I’m out of questions but I was going to guess what you’ve drawn.
L: Oh yeah!!! Go on then!
H: I’m gonna say it’s not the Pacman you mentioned earlier.
L: No. I’ve been made to cut those out now anyway and being forced to act it out with scrappy drawings.
H: I think you’ve drawn… a cow.
L: No, not a cow. But close.
H: Let’s see it then.
L: A dog.
H: Every woman I’ve ever known draws dogs like that.
L: Yeah it’s a biological thing.
Then I drew a Gin glass on the other side whilst we were chatting. I’m only telling you that because you can see it through the paper!
H: Probably because you were craving alcohol during the interview!
L: Probably. It was after the observational clip question.
H: I think it has legs.
L: What? What has legs?
So to finish up on ‘An Interview With a Hamster’ we like to ask our guests to play us out with a song request.
Any song you like as long as I can nick it off YouTube.
L:Bat Out Of Hell.
Yes. Yes, Bat Out Of Hell.
H: Hurry up half the audience has already left.
L: How fucking rude of them.
H: I’m not far behind them..
Thank you very much for being my first.
L: I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it.
H: Hopefully one day when I’m good at it I’ll revisit you.
L: This is is filled with way too many sexual innuendos for me.
H: If there’s one thing my guests are guaranteed it’s sexual innuendo.
And a Pot Noodle.
L: Where’s my pot noodle then?
H: Thank you and GOODNIGHT!
So there you have it. The first of many? I’ll see what the feedback is like I think.
But a massive thankyou to Louise who was the perfect guest (via DM) and held my hand while I lost my interview virginity.
If you’d like to find out more about the lovely Louise you can follow her on
or read her blog at:
And remember all feedback is gratefully received (except the bad stuff but still send that anyway)