Hello and welcome to the second show in the current series of..
AN INTERVIEW WITH A HAMSTER!!
Thank you, thank you.
Today’s guest is the owner of “I’m Bec Webb”, its the lovely Rebecca Webb!
Hamster: Okay are you ready?
Becs: Yey! As long as I can also tend to my needy twins if I really must too! Go for it!
H: Okay let’s try it
H: First up do you have a pen and paper there cos I’m gonna need you to do a secret drawing for me to guess at the end?
B: I surely do!
H: Holy hell you’re good! Can I keep you?
B: Yes, but you’re gonna need a much bigger cage.
H: Or we could just be very close?
B: No, I’d like to come and live in a giant cage.
H: When the money starts rolling in on the back of this I’ll buy you your own cage and I’ll visit you on the weekends where you can stroke me and feed me carrots.
B: Sheesh Hammy. You give with one hand and take with the other. Ok visitations it is.
H: Ok as ever here at ‘An Interview With a Hamster’ we like to get the standard questions out if the way.
B: Bec Webb
H: You got an abacus there?
B: 38 in 6 days. Feel free to post a very happy birthday tweet for me on the 10th.
H: You’re 38??
B: 😂😂😂 actually I do tend to forget how old I am. Why are you so surprised?
H: You’re like 37 years older than me!
B: Most people are Hammy. Even my twins are older than you!
H: Where are you from?
H: What’s your vlog/blog called, how long have you been doing it and why do you do it?
B: It’s called I’m Bec Webb. I’ve been doing it 6 weeks. I don’t know why I do it. For fun I guess.
I’ve met loads of great people and animals who I have a laugh with, so it’s worth doing for that alone.
H: Who’s your favourite animal?
H: This is taking FAR too long!
B: Ooh that’s a toughy. I previously would have said Foxy from the foxy bingo adverts, but ultimately it’s Roland Rat.
H: I should be offended but Roland Rat is the rodent godfather and Foxy is Heather Graham with a tail.
B: If you’d just let me finish!!
However, since Roland Rat is no longer active, then you are my favourite animal Hammy. Goes without saying!
H: Wow thanks! That’s completely unexpected!
B: Hmm really?
H: Do you ever get trolled?
Well, that’s not true.
A few weeks ago Chickaletta from Paw Patrol tweeted that she wanted me off the face of the planet.
H: I didn’t know she did that! I followed her too! I’ll be deleting her soon. Nobody puts Becs in the corner.
B: And then you came along and got into the most hysterical bitch fight with her. Not in my honour though, I might add!
H: Well I’m dedicating it to you now.
B: You obvs didn’t read the thread back enough at the time.
H: No I didn’t. If I had I certainly wouldn’t have slept with her.
B: 😂😂😂😂 oh my god!! But you said you’d slept with her mother!!
Hammy you never fail to shock me.
H: I rimmed her dad too
B: Hahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I just choked on my frangipane!
H: This has taken an unexpected turn. You may want to get the kids out of the room.
H: Have you ever been a member of an old school fan club (with badges and newsletters etc)?
B: Hang on a sec.. twins.
H: You don’t really need to get them out the room. Unless you’re gonna show me pictures of you’re Eurotrash fan club.
(The theme to Jeopardy plays..)
B: Haha! No I’ve never joined a club. Not a proper one anyway.
H: Not even Rolfs Cartoon Club??
It’s ok to talk about it.
B: Is it Hammy? Is it???
No, not even Rolfs club.
H: I was there. It helps to talk.
B: Oh my god, then tell the police!
H: We’ll move on.
H: You’re walking along Cwmrhydyceirw Road and a man comes up to you and demands you give him all your money. But rather than pointing a gun or a knife at you he’s holding a large cabbage in both hands.
What do you do??
B: Well first off, you’d never find me walking along Cwmrhydyceirw Road. If it was any other road, I’d suggest we make coleslaw together.
I’ll give you 100 virtual points though if you can pronounce it properly.
B: 😂😂😂😂😂 quim!!!
H: I’m a virtual points millionaire I don’t need to jump through hoops for you x
B: But you’ve already tried to pronounce it. Therefore you would jump through hoops for me.
H: That was more of a monkey dance than a hoop jump.
But to reiterate, coleslaw. Thanks.
B: Yes coleslaw. Who doesn’t love coleslaw? And we’d likely be near a Spar to go get some mayo and cheese. Because cheese coleslaw.
H: Good answer.
Have you ever administered a Chinese burn? If so when did you last do it? If not can I persuade you to do it to the next grown up you meet?
B: Yes I have. To my husband, Dave. Probably last year. Just for fun. And he will be the next grown up I see and I’d be happy to do it again. In the name of journalism this time round.
H: And science.
H: Im gonna give you £5m. (Woo hoo) But first I’m gonna replace leg with massive penis. The good news it bears your weight so you can walk on it. The bad news is that when you excited it swells causing you to topple over.
Now, before you decide let me just confirm, and this could be the deal breaker, that there are no balls involved.
B: There was no question. You’re basically just telling me you’re going to replace one of my legs with a giant excitable penis with no balls.
H: Ha! That’s cos I copy and pasted it from my notes but left the question off!
So do you do it?
B: Yes. Because as soon as I receive the money, I’ll just book in for surgery to have another leg attached instead.
H: You can’t. The surgery would kill you because of arteries and things. Plus the operation costs £6m so you’d be a million in the hole. So you’d forever be known as ‘Cock Leg’.
B: Ummmm. Then no.
Give me a three letter word NOW!!
H: I KNEW you’d say that!! Genuinely!
B: No way?? Can you always hear me from Bristol calling Dave a nob??
H: It’s generally assumed you are.
B: Sorry, my parents have just shown up. But I’ve told them I’m having an interview with a hamster.
H: This is gold. Who are they?
B: Annette and Gary.
H: Hiya Annette and Gary
Tell them it’s good news, their daughter isn’t having a giant cock for a leg.
B: Yeah I’m not gonna tell them any of this conversation.
H: Are they on Twitter?
B: No they’re not thank god!
H: Damn it.
Next up it’s the observation question! (Which you may be aware died on its ass last week)
I want you to watch this clip very closely and afterwards I will ask you a question.
B: All watched.
H: Would you say this advert was a harmless peek into the secret lives of soon to be slaughtered potatoes or, like me, did you think it was a little bit racist?
B: Ummm….I would say it was more a crime against fashion.
H: Correct, well spotted.
B: Aah, remember Smith’s Crisps? There was a Smith’s Crisps factory near me.
H: Yes, I miss the salt.
Last question now (I think).
B: Oh can you wait. My mum is telling me some ridiculous story.
H: Can’t she see you’re in the middle of a hard hitting interview??
(Ten minutes pass.. )
H: She can chat can’t she?
(Another twenty five minutes pass..)
H: Apparently Graham Norton gets this all the time too.
(Another SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES pass!!)
B: I’m back!
H: Bugger me!!
B: Sorry, my mother has an innate ability to blend multiple unrelated stories into one unnecessarily long story.
H: I’ll tell you this – I’m not interviewing her.
B: Ha ha ha! Yeah she’s best avoided!
H: In order to boost viewing figures in Wales MTV have released a new channel called ‘MTV Port Talbot Beats’ and have arranged to come round yours to film an episode of ‘MTV Cribs Isn’t It?’
But you’ve only gone and booked them to come round the same day you have your weekly ‘Becs Buff Blokes in Bikini Bottoms’ morning, where you pay local hotties to come round in next to nothing and feed you Pringles and do the ironing.
What excuse do you give MTV-PT for the scantily clad men being there to avoid a PR scandal?
B: Right. There are so many issues with the question.
Firstly why haven’t MTV Swansea Beats come round?
Secondly it would then be called MTV Cribs Mun.
Thirdly you’d be hard pressed to find any hotties where I live. Except my hubby – hi Dave! 😀
Fourthly I don’t own an ironing board or iron, so will they be bringing their own?
Fifthly why couldn’t everyone stay?
Sixthly who would the PR scandal be about? I don’t have any PR reps, so I wouldn’t have an issue with any of it.
Seventhly it’s my crib mun, so they’ll do as they’re told like!
H: They haven’t set up in Swansea obviously. Port Talbot is where it’s at!
B: Get out!! 👉
H: Wait.. Why don’t you have an iron??
B: Oh I see, you sexist hamster pig!
Because I’m a woman I should obviously be ironing!!
I can’t be bothered too!
H: Cant Dave do it?
B: I’ll never know, we don’t have an iron.
H: Right I need to guess what you’ve drawn. I’m gonna say you’ve drawn NOTHING because you’ve been all over the shop.
B: Oh I was waiting to be told to draw something!
Ha ha ha!
H: That’s a win for me then.
B: I’m on it!
H: It’s five to midnight Becs. While you do that give us a song to play out on?
B: Ok, Leggy Blonde by Flight of the Chonchords. And stop lying! It’s 5pm!
H: Have you drawn?
H: Is it a hamster?
H: Lets see it then. I WAS gonna say a house.
B: It’s my pint of squash.
H: Ah a house red. So close.
H: Well I’d love to say it’s been a pleasure but the reality is you’ve been a hellish guest.
B: You fucking love it!
H: I do.
None of our guests go away empty handed.
Here’s you’re very own..
B: Yes? YES?
H: ..Honest Father Monopoly board game!!!
B: Woweeeee!! Let me see a photo of it then!
B: Do you know what, I always knew that ultimately this would all end up being about Mark (@honest_father)
H: My whole life is about Mark.
B: I really feel one day the nation will see you two on one of David Attenborough’s shows.
H: Only if they know where to look.
I have Mark Thomas bedding.
B: Is the bedding his skin?
H: His hair. But I’m not saying what hair.
B: I wouldn’t even need to question it.
H: A gentleman never reveals.
B: A gentlehamster.
H: Well it’s been real.
B: Thanks Hammy! See you over in regular Twitter in one minute.
H: Massive thanks to Becs for her time and patience.
So there you have it.
If you’d like to know more about Becs you can find her on:
I’ve been Hamster McKenzie,
Thank you and GOODNIGHT!