Hello and welcome to the third episode of
AN INTERVIEW WITH A HAMSTER!!
Hamster: Todays very special guest is Rachel Hawkins!
Rach: Thank you, thank you.
H: First up, do you have a pen and paper?
H: You don’t??
R: No. Problem?
H: You’ve broke the show already!
R: I knew I would.
H: I’d normally ask you to draw something throughout the course of the interview so I can guess what it is at the end.
R: Ok I can remedy this. Bear with.
H: Clearly you’re a big fan.
R: I got a ruled book and a pen I nicked from a day out I recently had
R: Have I got to draw it now?
H: Just whenever and I’ll use my hamstery powers to guess what it is at the end.
H: Right, some standard questions first.
R: Our Rach
R: Bit personal aint it? Can I lie?
H: You can but I know you’re 31.
R: Damn it. Why ask?
H: Smoke and mirrors.
H: You aren’t??
R: I am.
H: Bloody hell. PJs??
R: Leggings and a vest top you pervert.
H: It’s not important.
How long have you been blogging and why do you blog?
R: Two years and two months. I do it because I can’t afford therapy and also because I have this stupid dream that one day someone might pay me to write for them.
H: I have that same dream!
H: When it comes true let me know what it’s really like.
R: You’ll get there before I will!
H: Whatevs. And don’t lie next time, with your bloody April Fools day announcement!
R: Ha. That was hilar.
H: I bought it.
The prank not the book.
R: I genuinely do want to write “How Not To Be A C*nt” but I need to learn myself how to not be one first.
H: You aren’t a c*nt.
R: I can be.
H: I hope I never have to find out the hard way.
Just seen the next question and I’m tempted not to ask it.
R: Well, you’re gonna bloody have to now.
H: Have you ever been (sigh) trolled?
R: Never. Don’t even know what that means.
H: Where you’re concerned that’s another book waiting to happen.
R: Indeed it is, to answer your question properly. I have been relentlessly trolled. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me concerned for people.
H: Book should be out April.
R: Ha nice one!
H: But it never breaks you?
R: Nah. I can just turn my laptop off and not look at my phone. The mute button is the single greatest invention when it comes to social media.
H: If I said you were a stinky doody head you’d be OK?
R: I’d ask you if you were well and to explain to me what the definition of doody head was, but I can’t say I’d be particularly bothered.
Social media is so far removed from real life.
H: You’re being interviewed by a Hamster.
How is that far removed from real life?
R: Well, I can’t say it’s something I’ve ever done before.
H: Well that list is getting shorter now.
You see homeless guy in the doorway of Wilkinsons in Kings Chase Shopping Centre in Kingswood.
Turns out it’s Robert Kilroy Silk! You invite him to stay with you until he’s back on his feet, secretly thinking to yourself he could make it big again if he goes on I’m a Celebrity.
You could ride on his coat tails and be his plus one when he gets invited to Elton Johns 94th birthday bash. However after 3 hours you realise he’s an asshole.
Do you kick him back out?
R: Yeah, he used to front UKIP, I can’t imagine we’d get on. I’d probably sell a story on him though.
H: But he’s very sorry.
R: Well I’m very tired but that’s no excuse is it.
And I’m hungry.
H: Would you like a break?
R: No no, and please don’t say that word again as it makes me think of Kit Kats and I’m not eating chocolate at the moment.
H: Another dechox?
R: Yeah I’m trying to shift some weight before I go to V Festival next weekend.
H: By lying in bed at half two??
I’m sat in Asda right now and I could be round yours with a plethora of chocolate in minutes.
R: ASDA longwell green or ASDA Bemmy?
(Hi, Hamster here. For those of you not actually familiar with the Bristol area Bemmy is short for Bedminster. A thriving metropolis in the south of our fair city.)
H: Longwell Green.
R: You can’t be on O2 if you’re in ASDA Longwell, as I never get a bastard signal there.
Give me a six letter word NOW!!
H: Ooh you’re good.
R: Not really. I wanted frigid but I thought it was five letters and then realised it was six.
H: You can change it if you like.
R: Yeah let’s go for frigid
H: You’ve been good to me over the years it’s the least I can do.
H: I would also have accepted flange.
What’s the most extreme thing you’ve ever done to yourself?
Non sexual, there are kids watching.
R: Probably shave my eyebrows off.
H: Please tell me you have a picture of that to share with the class!
R: Nooooooooooo. It was c.1999.
H: I’ll Google it.
R: Good luck with that.
H: Bound to find something.
R: I’ve never Googled myself actually.
H: I do. Me not you.
R: Ah I just did it, there’s some nice photos of myself on there actually. I approve.
H: It’s where you know who gets her material..
Brian Blessed, Bobby Davro and Jim Davidson.
Snog, Marry, Hand job.
R: Fucking hell love. Can I swerve them all?
H: Nope. I’m like a furry little Paxman.
Brian Blessed snog – it means he’s busy with his mouth so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice.
Hand job Jim Davidson – very reluctantly, I’d have my eyes closed throughout.
Bobby Davro – marry but get an annulment immediately based on the fact that we wouldn’t consummate the marriage so it would be null and void.
H: That is how I said you’d answer!
R: Don’t lie.
H: It’s true. Thinking about it it’s the obvious choices.
I wouldn’t do it mind. I’d give them all a swerve.
R: So you can swerve but I can’t? Hardly fair is it?
H: It’s my show.
Next up it’s the observation question! I want you to watch this clip very closely and afterwards I will ask you a question.
H: You’re question:
Would you like to see some puppies?
R: Nah, I’m more of a cat person to be honest.
H: Charleys owners mum would be very proud. Bit pissed I can show you these puppies now though.
R: I’ve got Prodigy in my head now.
H: Me too!
H: Who was your favourite member of S Club 7 back in the day and who is now? If they’re different please state your reasons.
R: Rachel Stevens. I wanted to be her.
H: There is a similarity.
R: I used to dress up like her in her “Sweet Dreams My LA Ex”, stick a fan on in my room and pretend to be her in the video.
H: Ah 2003.
R: Good year. Very good year, especially for music. That was the first year I went up Chasers. And went there every weekend throughout that summer.
I learnt to slut drop in that club.
H: I was sick of ‘Pretty Green Eyes’ in 2003 though.
R: Ah, we dedicated that to our friend. That was a tune.
Chase would always stick the green strobe lights on for that one.
H: It’s no Belinda Carlisle.
R: Bit before my time really. I’m not a power ballad fan.
H: Piss off you’re only a bit younger than me!
R: Still younger though. Can’t ever change that.
H: You win this round Hawkins.
R: Thank you.
H: Nearly there, then you can get some sleep.
You’re walking along Downend Road minding your own, when you spot a 54 year old man shuffling towards you holding a large floppy dildo like a bunch of flowers.
As he gets closer you notice the it’s smeared with what looks like chocolate though you suspect it’s not.
Quick as a flash you reach into your ‘I ❤ Noels House Party’ satchel and pull out the first thing you put your hand on.
What is the item and what do you do with it?
R: It’s a panic alarm, I let that fucker off and hope for the best, although because I’m in Kingswood and alarms are going off all the time I doubt much attention would be paid to it.
H: They’d just assume someone was walking out of Shaws without paying again.
Ere. I walked past St Peters Hospice yesterday, the one in Kingswood High St by Reflections (where I used to work back in the day) and they had a sign outside.
It said: “I like big books and I cannot lie”.
I nearly did a LOL.
H: Nice. You should’ve took a picture and sent it viral.
R: It’s not that good. I still prefer the bin I saw in Hanham that said “Jim’s bin NO DOGS”
H: Ha! I did laugh at that.
R: Good old Jim. I do hope he doesn’t get lots of people putting dogs in his bin.
H: Are you happy with your child being made to wear a Swindon Town kit?
R: That would be a no, but he looks cute in it so it’s a sacrifice I have to make and I just hope that one day he realises the error of his (fathers) ways.
H: I pray for him daily.
Time for me to guess what you’ve drawn.
R: Go on then.
H: Peter Calpaldi.
R: You like?
H: I like that more than the real Judge Rinder!
R: Ha. I don’t think he would. His eyes are too far apart and I’ve been a bit liberal on the old wrinkles but he was frowning at the time I was drawing him so I had to go with it.
H: If he’s on Twitter he’s getting it.
R: He is on Twitter but you might end up getting blocked again.
H: I want him to have it as his screen saver.
R: Why don’t you have it as yours?
H: I like being blocked.
R: Ha. By that bloke from Eastenders? Still laughing at that. It’s in my top 5 funny Twitter moments. Probably top 3.
H: You’re too kind.
I have his picture as a screensaver.
R: I knew you did.
(Hi, Hamster again. Incase you’re wondering what the hell we’re on about here are some snaps – You’re looking for Rhys btw)
H: Finally we like to ask all our guests to give us a song to play out on.
R: Ok. Any song? Any genre?
H: Yep. As long as it’s on youtube.
R: Shall we make it the last song I listened to?
H: If you like.
R: Here we go. Flashing Lights – Kanye West.
I know every word of that song.
H: It’s on my wedding video.
R: I didn’t know Hamsters liked Kanye West. I thought they’d just like MC Hammer.
H: I see what you did there.
R: I’ll get my coat.
H: I prefer Jan Hamster…
R: Don’t know it.
H: So that’s it.
R: I want to read it before it’s published mind, to make sure you’ve not added anything sneaky in. I know what you’re like.
H: Haha!! Damn it!
R: Thanks for this, it’s been enjoyable.
H: No, thank YOU.
And of course no-one goes home from An Interview With a Hamster empty handed.
Here for you, hot off the press, is the first edition of your BRAND NEW BOOK!!
Kind of get why you shaved your eyebrows off now.
OUR RACH EVERYONE!
(Crowd loses its shit)
If you’d like to know more about about Rachel you can find her on
And now to play us out with his ballad about Carbon Monoxide detectors, it’s Kanye West..
I’ve been Hamster McKenzie
Thank you and GOODNIGHT!