Hello and welcome to episode 4 of….
AN INTERVIEW WITH A HAMSTER!!!
Joining me this week will be author and time traveller, Stewart Bint!
Hamster: Welcome Stewart. I’ll start by saying this can get a bit messy as we’re bound to talk over each other at some point but ill edit it later.
Stewart: I’ll try not to interrupt. My Mum told me it was rude.
H: Feel free to ignore your mother if just for today.
So to begin I’ll ask if you have a pen and paper to hand?
S: I do. I keep a notepad with me at all times to write down story ideas.
H: That’s because you’re a genius!
S: Otherwise, with my memory, I’d forget them and all those wonderful stories would never appear.
H: And do you know why you’re required to have a pen and paper?
S: If it’s the same as Rach’s interview, you want to sorely test my non-existent artistic ability.
H: Yes!! You’re the first one to know the answer. I thank you.
S: Ah…that’s because I’ve read your other interviews.
H: And I love you for it. So, draw any old thing so I can guess what it is at the end of this shambles.
S: I can’t even draw a bath or my window blinds, but I’ll give it a go.
H: Right, let’s get the standards out of the way.
Name, age and location please?
S: Stewart Bint. 61. Leicester.
S: ‘fraid so.
H: I had you down for 50 so well done you.
S: Oh you loveable furry critter, you. You’ve just made my week. Actually, you’ve probably made my year.
H: I’m a giver.
How long have you been writing and why do you do it?
S: I started writing fiction in little blue notebooks when I was 7.
I’ve been a professional writer all my life (journalist, broadcaster, PR), because if I tried to earn my living with numbers I’d starve (I thought my maths teacher at school loved me because she put little red Xs next to all my sums).
I only started to try and get my fiction published around 5 years ago, ‘cos I never thought anyone would want to read it.
I know my fiction is not great art or literature…I write purely to entertain my readers.
H: A bit like George Mcfly?
Obviously you’re one of the faces on Twitter. Have you been trolled much?
S: I have, unfortunately. I try to disarm them with humour. If that doesn’t work I try reasoning them. If that doesn’t work I block as a last resort.
But it can have a positive side: I wrote a short story called The Twitter Bully as a knee-jerk reaction to being harassed on Twitter a couple of years ago.
H: I haven’t read it but I will now. Well not RIGHT now.
I like to think one day I’ll have a troll and I’ll convert them into a friend. That’s the dream.
S: I reacted with humour to a recently acquired troll, and now we regard each other as Twitter friends. So humour can work with them.
H: It’s becoming apparent you’re the man I want to be.
S: Well, Pinocchio became human, maybe there’s a spell out there to do the same with hamsters.
H: Have you considered changing your name to Bing in order to make yourself more marketable to the preschool audience?
S: Lol! If I did, if I did in sure I’d just go round in circles… rather like the wheels on the bus.
H: As a big fan of Back to the Future I once conducted an experiment to see if there would be freely accessible time travel for the common man (rodent) in my lifetime.
I sat in the window of the kitchen at work and made a note of the time and date so that ‘future me’ could travel back, stand in the car park opposite the window and wave to me.
As I looked up I saw what I thought was an little old man in the distance waving erratically. However on closer inspection it turned out to be a wheelie bin with its lid flapping about in the wind.
But is time travel possible and have you ever done it? Maybe you’re doing it right now!
S: Time travel response coming ten minutes ago.
H: You’re gonna cause a paradox but good answer.
S: Here’s me with my time machine.
H: What?? It looks like a wooden barbeque. I could easily fit in that.
S: You can come with me. It works best if I have the paradox inhibitor activated.
You get a phone call on the land line and a woman’s voice is on the other line.
She starts tearing into you saying she’s gonna crack you open like an egg and shove you in the oven like a soufle before dropping the C-bomb and hanging up.
You do 1471 and ring the number. The call is answered and a familiar voice says “Hello, Mary Berry speaking”. Naturally you’re flabbergasted but what do you do?
S: I’d send my heavy mob round to sort her out.
H: There really is a picture on the internet for every occasion. Unless you like cats or naked women. Then you’re out of luck.
Next up it’s the observation question! I want you to watch this clip very closely and afterwards I will ask you a question.
S: How did you ask that question? I’d already sent you back to before the last one.
Oh damn!! I forgot to set the paradox inhibitor. Right. I’ll take a look at the video now.
Your question is: Why did he creep down the stairs just to freely drink the R Whites Lemonade in front of his partner anyway?
S: He just needed something to keep his pecker up.
H: By the way, #PrayForMaryBerry
S: I think Mary will be okay. This Dalek was just a fluffy hamster when my friend met him
H: Who’s your friend?
S: My Twitter friend and fellow barefooter @LynneAllbutt
H: I thought you were going to tell me it was Mary Berry in the seventies!
But she seems a delight though.
S: As it happens, this is Mary Berry in the seventies. We’ve still got one of her cookery books from then!!!
H: Crazy. When that picture came up I initially thought she’d done the forward in one of your books!
S: Oh my craziness plumbs new depths of crazicreativity.
When I write my cookery book based on recipes involving R White’s lemonade I may ask her to the foreword.
H: Nicely done.
Do you think Doctor Who could ever regenerate as an animal like, oh I dont know, let’s say a hamster?
S: Doctor Who regenerating into a hamster? Well, that would be the top of the evolutionary cycle for him. After hamsters there comes just pure spirit.
H: Then women. So maybe they’ve skipped the rodent phase.
What do you say to those people who suggest that you used to be Noel Edmonds?
S: I challenge them to a duel. Beards at two paces.
One of your fans has sent you on a skydive at Sibson Airfield, Peterborough to show you how much they love your complete disregard for shoes.
Once at cruising altitude you think to yourself “I’m gonna do this barefoot and show the instructor I’m hard as nails”. However, in your haste to be a bit cavalier you jump out the plane without your parachute.
Now as luck would have it you’re plummeting towards a farm where a boatload of soft, woolly lambs are huddled together in a corner because they’ve just seen a spider.
Do you aim for the soft lamby cushion knowing full well you’d wipe a good few of them out while you walk away fairly unscathed OR do you spare them and accept your fate because you’ve been a bit of plum?
S: I’d aim for the lambs and save the farmer the farmer the butcher’s fees. Then we’d set up a stall at the farm gate selling fresh lambs mince.
Oh look!!! Two farmers – I’m seeing double, from the impact.
H: Now you have to split it three ways. What bad luck.
S: No way….beards at two paces with one of them.
That’s it for the questions, Thank you. Now I just need to guess what you’ve drawn.
S: OK….I’m waiting with breath abated.
H: Well historically we’ve had a dog, a beverage and Judge Rinder.
So I’m going to say… a tree. On fire. With fleeing wildlife.
S: How random. Shall I post my pic now?
H: Yep let’s see your flaming tree.
H: Unbelievable. I was going to say a squirrel, then I changed my mind to a bird before settling on that dopey tree.
S: Funny you say squirrel….look at this pic I took earlier this morning
H: Ooh you see! I’m in your head. Making you dance when you want a lie down.
By the way, hamsters don’t have beaks either.
S: Don’t their snouts grow a little beak-like when they tell porkies?
H: We never lie. Apart from my uncle, Pork Pie McKenzie…
I’ve gone down a comedy cul-de-sac.
S: Is he from the McBacon McKenzie clan?
I’m still pulling into the overtaking lane on the comedy highway.
H: You’ve left me for dust!
Finally we like to ask all our guests to give us a song to play out on.
S: Desiderata – You Are a Child of the Universe.
H: Ah I had this at my wedding..
S: Oh wow! You truly are a hamster of the universe.
I was originally going to suggest that itsy bitsy bikini song that my old mate Timmy Mallet got into the charts, but I couldn’t impose that on anyone.
So I’ve gone for Desiderata…the ethos by which I live my life, and to which all hamsters aspire.
H: Are you really friends with Timmy Mallet?
S: We worked together in a local radio station in the 1980s. He was the breakfast show DJ and I read the new bulletins.
When the show finished at 9am we’d go to a little bistro for mushrooms on toast and a glass of red wine.
H: I only ask because I had a question featuring Timmy Mallet lined up but decided against it!
S: Really? I’d have answered your question if I could.
H: I’ll show you the question then.
I have a magic wand and I’m hell bent on using it on you. But I only know two spells.
You can either A) Be turned into someone who looks an awful lot like Donald Trump.
Just enough so people sometimes say “Oh he looks a bit like Donald Trump” but not enough so you could make a living from it or infiltrate the White House.
Or B) Be turned into THE Timmy Mallet. That’s Timmy Mallet as he is now, not during the glory years of Wac-a-day. What do you want to pick?
S: Lol. I like it! He was a real character in those early days of his career. He used to roller skate to work every day, and turned up at the radio station’s Christmas party dressed as a guardsman.
He was actually sacked because the advertisers just found him too wacky and advertising on his show fell to unacceptable levels.
Such a shame…he was so funny
H: I may have to include this. I don’t mind sacrificing the question for it.
S: Ok I’m good with that.
H: Well as you know no-one leaves An Interview With a Hamster empty handed so here is your very own (slightly soiled) pair of Doctor Who baseball boots!!
S: Thank you so much for the interview. I’ve loved doing it.
H: No, thank YOU.
If you’d like to know more about Stewart you can find him here:
And now to play us out it’s, uh… this!
I’ve been Hamster McKenzie
Thank you and GOODNIGHT!!!