Hello and welcome to episode 5 of….
AN INTERVIEW WITH A HAMSTER!!!
HAMSTER: Joining me this week is all round lovely person and full time funny northerner –
(Crowd wakes up)
Ar_Mu: I’M HERE.
Sorry, I needed a brew.
H: OK. Got a pen and paper me dear?
H: Good, cos during the course of this interview I’ll expect you to draw something so I can guess what it is at the end.
A: No problemo.
H: Ace. First up are the standard questions before I roll out the daft stuff.
H: Damn it! I was hoping I’d finally find out your name.
A: That is my name.
A: Yeah lol
H: Is it short for Ariel?
A: Look just because you want me to be part of your world.
But sure, Ariel.
H: OK Ariel it is.
A: What do you think?
H: Oh bugger. Hang on. Let me just click on your picture..
A: Lets go with that. Hahahahaha.
H: Saying that, things are a lot tougher up north so you could be twelve.
A: In which case we probably shouldn’t be speaking.
H: I’m one.
A: You can rest safe in the knowledge that I’m a good couple of years north of 12.
H: You do realise this isn’t a sexy chat?
Location? Under the sea?
A: North East England, the best place to live in the world (if you like dilapidated industry and shitloads of seawater)
So basically yeah, under the sea.
H: Do you have crabs then?
A: Not in my ocean, ya furry little radgepot
For those who don’t know do you have a blog/vlog, what’s it called and why do you do it?
A: Oh god this is awks hahaha.
I have two work-based blogs which are basically faced by professional me..
H: In dungarees.
A: Obvs. I also run something called The QM which is essentially like bloggers anonymous.
H: You know what?
H: I’m a big fan of yours…
H: But I’m not sure I’ve ever read it!
A: You won’t have done, it’s a secret and hardly has anything on it yet hahahaha.
Also, the work ones probably won’t interest ya that much unless you’re into creative education and art-based shizz.
H: I’d only want to see that if it proves your name is Ariel.
A: I’d never out the real me 😛
H: I can completely sympathise with you.
A: See, I knew you’d get it.
H: How can I see your secret one then?
A: Well…..I can point you the right way.
There’s ball all on there at the moment like….the idea is that bloggers often want to write posts but often darent publish them for fear of being found out.
Like ‘fuckssake me mam will read that’ or whatever, so they bottle it in…OR publish and then feel the heat.
H: That’s me alright.
A: So the idea of The QM is anonymity, you write the post, send it in and it’ll be published anon.
H: I like that, where’s the link?
As I said, it’s fairly new and there’s not much there yet…but you get the idea.
That’s the Twitter I think.
H: Is that Her Royal Highness the Queen Mother?
A: Something slightly ruder.
H: We’ll I shall get involved soon ☺
A: Awesome 🙂 it only started up recently so it’s prob looking canny shite at the moment but meh.
H: Can I publish that?
A: Wellaye. Maybe say you found it from ‘a source’ hahaha.
Nah fuck it, I’m good.
H: Ha. I can leave it out if you like?
A: Nah it needs some awareness.
H: Then you’ve come to the wrong place.
A: Oh shut ya face you. Mr 1k (followers)
H: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Do you ever get trolled?
A: Nah, I’m fucking awesome.
H: I’m the same.
A: It’s a burden only few of us can bear.
H: Right, now I go into cut and paste mode.
H: You open your eyes confused and weary. You look around the room and through the haze you make out scary looking instruments of torture and a man with leathery skin.
Scared and dazed you pass out.
Fast forward a few hours and you wake with a start in a field near your home. You run to your house and sobbing where you tell your family you think you may have been abducted last night by a strange man.
However, half way through your story you suddenly remember you went out on the lash and broke into Ann Summers where you passed out next to a mannequin in a gimp suit surrounded by sex toys.
Do you stop the story and confess the truth or continue with the charade to save face?
A: The truth hahaha, it’s way funnier.
Also, how did you know about last weekend?
H: I imagine that’s most weekends for you. Especially that freaky looking place you were staying in last week.
A: You have NO idea. Hooks hanging from the ceiling.
H: Did you utilise them?
A: Nah, too small.
H: You go for the more industrial strength?
A: Is there a better way?
H: I’m a small man myself.
A: More support is always a good thing.
H: You win a day trip to Wimbledon (not the Tennis tournament just the place).
You find yourself strolling round the Common bored out your tits when you hear a commotion in the bushes. You wander over and, to your astonishment, you see a Womble shagging a rabbit who clearly hasn’t given consent.
Do you interject or, like me, do you just put it down to mother nature being a twat and stick it on YouTube?
A: Well, after surveying the area for the ghost of George Michael, I’d get on the blower to the guy from Animal Hospital to come and sort the pair of them out.
Who was that again?
H: We’ll it’s safe to say he wouldn’t be busy.
You’ve very nearly invaded another question I had lined up so I’ll save that for another episode. Damn you Ariel!
You recently took part in a race to achieve 1000 followers on Twitter. How did that pan out for you?
A: I learned some lessons. Mainly that Twitter values furry rodents over epic crack.
I’m over it though. You played a good round.
H: Personally I feel it should’ve been a lot closer.
The lack of videos hindered your campaign. If you posted a video every day you’d have 10,000 followers by now.
A: Ya reckon?
H: They’d mostly be dirty old men but a follower’s a follower.
A: Hahahhahahaha true story.
Can we just clarify that the type of videos I share are NOT the kind dirty old men look for?
H: We’ll there’s no nudity I grant you but they can see your face so..
Speaking of which:
You are a very pretty rugby player.
Are you not concerned one of the uglier players might try to reshape your face to level things up a bit?
A: Flattery will get you everywhere Hammy.
But yeah, kind of haha. Although they’ve got to catch me first.
H: I assume you’re like a greased whippet.
Next up it’s the observation question.
I want you to watch this clip very closely and afterwards I will ask you a question.
It’s like the Krypton Factor.
H: But less fun.
H: Personally I cannot watch this without crying.
A: I’m halfway there like.
Tell ya what ALWAYS makes me crease, Ant and Dec creasing. If Ant goes I’m gone.
Anyway, go on.
H: If you found out I actually looked like George Dawes in this video would we still be friends or is this whole thing based on me being a hamster?
A: Howay man I’d dump ya like a rat in a bag.
Course we’d still be pals, I love a baldy.
H: Damn. I have a full head of hair.
A: Oh well, sucks to be you.
H: I do have clippers.
A: Tell ya what, clipping a hamster’s no mean feat like. tried doing it to me dog once and fucking hell never again.
Clipping her toenails I mean.
H: How the other half live.
I was gonna say you could shave me but that gives out completely the wrong vibe.
A: Whatever tickles ya pickle Hammy.
H: I find myself with three questions left. How many do you want?
I’m aware it’s fish finger sandwich time where you live.
A: I’ll have em all. In for a penny, in for a furball.
H: Wow, what a girl!
You can have £5million here and now but you have to have a penis grafted to either side of your head like pigtails.
Plus they aren’t the same size so you look wonky.
Now, you’re allowed to accessorize (scrunchies etc) but you MUST at the very least keep both helmets on show.
Are you in?
A: Nah, no cock’s worth £5million. I’d rather be skint and jizz-free.
Imagine the shampoo I’d go through.
Plus, you cant accessorise a ballbag.
H: We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. I find multicoloured pipe cleaners work a treat.
A: Oooh snazzy.
H: Comfy too.
You wake up in the dead of night to feel something tickling your leg. You fear it may be a spider or hamster and force yourself to look down.
To your disbelief you see Roy Cropper off Corrie running his finger up and down your shin. Naturally you ask what he’s doing and all he says is “Hayley used to like this”.
Now, it’s not escaped your attention that in his shopping bag he has bread rolls and bacon and you just KNOW he’s gonna whip you up a lovely breakfast if you let him hang around.
So basically, do you let Roy Cropper touch you for a couple of bacon rolls?
A: That bag-toting shitgibbon can play tickles with his own breaded meat cos theres nee chance he’s getting his mitts on mine.
If it was just a casual leg stroke I’d let him go nuts.
But I don’t eat meat so it’d have to be something egg-based.
H: I’m really laughing here.
A: Of course you are, have you met me?
I’m Twitters hidden gem.
H: Great answers.
A: Why thank you.
H: All that’s left is for me to guess what you’ve drawn.
A: Oh hang on I forgot that bit. Gimmie a second.
That’s not my guess.
A: Ok done ready.
H: I’m thinking it’s an elf.
In a Porsche.
A: Errrrrrrrrrrm. Not so much
That, my friend, is a brief doodle of the emo-dad blogger.
We all know a few.
H: That’s me!
A: I mean I genuinely wasn’t thinking of you.
I was thinking of some cunt I came across (not literally) called Ket, or Kim, or something like that.
You can edit that if you want, or not, whatever.
H: Did he troll you?
A: Nah his blog just made me bork a bit.
H: High praise indeed.
H: And finally, we ask all our guests on Interview With a Hamster to pick a song to okay us out on
A: Can’t say I’ve heard of that one.
H: Its Simon and Garfunkel. The early years.
A: Oh yeah, classic.
H: What song then?
A: Tempting as it is to say Peanuts by George Dawes, I want Africa by Toto.
H: I love both of those.
A: Because they’re awesome.
And we’re awesome.
“Hurry boy, she’s waiting there for you”
H: So there you are, you’ve been done.
A: I feel like I need a wet wipe and a glass of water.
H: And on that bombshell I’ll tell you that no-one leaves An Interview With a Hamster empty handed so here for you is a (nearly) genuine signed photo of one time rugby player Gareth Chilcott!
If you’d like to know more about Ariel (but not her real name obviously) you can find her here:
And also the links mentioned above.
Please give it up for ARIEL!!!!
I’ve been Hamster McKenzie and you’ve been very patient.
And now to play us out it’s Toto!
Thank you and GOODNIGHT!