Hello and welcome to
An Interview With a Hamster!!
(Crisp packet rustles in the audience)
HAMSTER: Joining me in the cage this week is author and minor celebrity CHARLIE BESWICK!!
(Charlie is carried on stage by a couple of well oiled men. Not hunks though, both have visible love handles)
Charlie: Be gentle with me.
H: I’ve longed to hear you say that to me.
H: Do you have a pen and paper nearby?
H: Do you know why?
C: For the celebrity picture?
H: Nearly. You can draw any old thing and I’ll guess what it is at the end.
I’m like Derren Brown.
C: He gives me the creeps.
H: Another reason I’m like him
C: But mind control would be my superpower of choice every time.
H: What would you do with it?
C: Make people make favourable choices, influence opinion, i’d do good! Although I prefer baddies in the movies. They have more fun.
Good guys are just mopping up all the bloody mess. I’d prefer to cause the chaos for a change.
H: I’d just get people to make me coffee a lot, clean out the stinky corner of my cage.
That sort of thing.
C: Lol, nice.
H: It’s all I can do to get people to stop tickling me. They love to touch small furry things.
C: Spat my tuna out!
H: I imagine you’re no different
C: I like most furry things. Except furry backs. Just no. Anyone who looks like they’re still wearing a jumper when they are naked should not be stroked.
H: I agree. Not a good look on men either.
H: So, standard questions coming up..
H: Name, age, location?
C: Charlie Beswick , 38 (depressing), Wank on Trent…sorry Stoke on Trent
H: I’ve been and I agree
C: You have my sympathy.
H: You blog, so what’s it about and how long have you been at it?
C: I started blogging in May this year (2017)
Its about life with my twin boys one of whom was born with only half his face developed. Hes also autistic and non verbal so I talk about our life together, the highs and lows. But I dont think its depressing. I try to keep it light (or add ‘please dont read this in the vicinity of sharp objects’ clauses). Its basically, parenting with a twist.
H: Very good it is too as is your book (released on Amazon 29th September 2017).
C: Nice plug – thanks.
H: I’ll add a picture too.
You wake up to a strange noise coming from downstairs. You get up only to find the ghost of Freddie Mercury in the kitchen trying to play pan pipes and getting in a piss because he’s never mastered it.
He spots you and being the showman that he is (was) breaks into ‘We Are The Champions’, at which point you notice he’s completely naked.
How does this make you feel?
C: Has he put his tackle near any work surfaces? Do I need to get the Dettol out?
H: Well before you came down he was rubbing his balls along the washing machine singing We Will Rock You.
But no food prep areas. He’s not an animal.
C: Hahahaha. Yeah I’d be ok I think, Id definitely join in for a song. I think I’d still be reeling from the ghost of Freddie in the kitchen to worry about the fact that he was naked. I imagine its would be flaccid and unimpressive anyway as I wouldnt excite him much.
H: Good to know. It could happen.
C: I’ll let you know if it does.
H: Please do. Only Freddie though, couldn’t give a rats ass if Roy Orbison does it.
You’ve just remembered when you were a little girl you actually borrowed Shergar and forgot to put him back. Do you own up or, as it was over thirty years ago, just assume no-one cares anymore?
C: Where have I kept him for 30 years??
H: The slums of Stoke.
C: I have a local kebab shop who might take him off my hands. I wouldnt give him back. No chance. Posession is 9 tenths of the law or something like that. Plus he’d come in handy if the car broke down.
H: Given the press and support you’ve had recently you wouldn’t really want this getting out I suppose.
C: Probably not.
H: Obviously you have a book out (on Amazon from 29th September). Should it get made into a movie who would you like to play the part of you?
C: Claire Danes as me. Or Melissa George. Apparently there’s a similarity.
But no, I dont think it would make a good movie at all.
H: *Heads to IMdb*
Yeah I’m down with both of those (Now I know who they are).
C: Which one do you think?
H: Well they’re both gorgeous so either is qualified.
C: You know I’m not good with nice things like that.
H: Alternatively then Kermit the Frog owes me a favour so I could get you literally ANY of the Muppets.
C: Haha ok I’ll make a note.
H: Rowlf maybe?
C: Jesus wept!! There are children in the story!
H: Rowlf the piano playing dog.
C: Oh hahahahahaha!
Still weird, but better.
H: What sort of show do you think this is?
C: Still laughing.
H: You’re walking through Hanley when you notice a Policeman strolling towards you with his flies undone and wearing no underwear.
Do you mind your own business or, like me, do you make a comment about his helmet?
C: No I’m all for pointing out a nudity issue. An officer should keep his truncheon concealed at all times. Although its probably pretty common in Hanley Duck.
H: Unless called upon to unsheathe it
C: Correct. Then I’d be glad to see his weapon
H: Knew it
H: Its the clips round now. I want you to watch this footage very closely and afterwards I will ask you a question.
C: Feel like I’m on Krypton Factor.
H: I WISH I was Gordon Burns.
C: Hang on..
H: Have you gone for a lie down after all the truncheon talk?
C: On the phone.
H: How bloody rude.
H: I risk my life coming all the way to Stoke!
C: Monarch Airlines causing all kinds of problems.
H: Ooh topical. Are you flying somewhere? (Presumably not)
C: No its Andrew and his kids.
H: Can’t they try Ryanair?
C: It should be sorted.
Sorry. Carry on.
H: Never mind your stranded family. This is important.
C: Hahaha yeah I’ve done all I can now.
H: Watch this clip. Question to follow
The Flumps there.
But my question to you is:
Were all kids shows in the eighties depressing? Also, do you like marshmallows?
80s kids shows hmmm. Bagpuss was pretty depressing but Rainbow was wicked.
Sooty and Sweep were fun. Soo was a slut.
H: I hope so.
C: I liked her.
H: I like to think Sooty was gagged. That’s why no-one could hear him.
C: Haha, not a selective mute that chatted the hindlegs off the camera crew but threw a massive diva strop when the cameras rolled?
H: I have read stories that behind the scenes he was a massive bellend.
C: I bet.
H: If Matthews hand was cold before he inserted it up him you’d lose him for days.
C: I’m the same.
C: Hahaha, Don’t print that.
H: I have to!
C: Hahaha ok
H: I’m properly laughing
C: Me too.
H: I now love you
C: And there I was worrying that it would be dull
H: Obviously you’ve met/interacted with some big names recently (Kate Garraway, James Woods, Liz McClarnen etc) but who’s the most impressive?
C: Other than you?
H: Nope, that’ll do.
C: Dionne Warwick was pretty amazing.
H: I said that’ll do!
C: Oh ok
H: We’ve all sung with Elton John and Stevie Wonder. She’s nothing special.
C: I liked her velour tracksuit. I want one.
H: That was Eltons
C: Hahaha not enough sequins.
H: You go on a date to someones house (or flat) and they’re cooking you a lovely meal on some lovely plates.
But OH NO! When you get there you find they’ve made you a curry and you can’t stand curry (if you do like curry please, for the purposes of this question, pretend you don’t).
They put it on the pull out dining table before remembering they haven’t put the cherries on the Angel Delight for pudding yet. Quick as a flash you get a plastic syringe (like the ones you get in Calpol) out of your bag and start pumping it down their cats throat.
Clearly they’re pleased as punch when they come back in and see a clean plate but joy turns to anguish when the cat farts for a solid thirteen seconds then keels over on the floor.
Do you make your excuses and leave or, like me, do you pretend nothing’s happened in the hope that Angel Delight is still on the cards?
C: Act totally innocent and definitely make a big deal of the cats flatulence so they dont think its you.
H: Yeah that’s the worry.
C: It clearly wouldn’t be me as my record is 17 seconds.
H: I had you down as fifteen.
C: Don’t underestimate me Hammy. Have I got to pretend to like Angel Delight too?
H: Don’t we all? If you don’t like Angel Delight you can substitute it for some other dessert you love.
H: Now I just need to guess what you’ve drawn.
I think it’s food..
H: I mean an animal.
C: Hahaha yes.
H: Like a squirrel? I’m getting squirrel.
C: No, Derren Brown would have got this by now.
C: Not a cow either but closer.
C: Sort of
H: Go on then, what is it?
C: Its magical.
H: A unicorn??
H: You said it wasn’t food!
C: Where do you eat??? Narnia?
H: Well it’s been a dream
C: Pleasure as always
H: Thanks for being ace
C: Likewise *goes to put on velour tracksuit now*
H: Obviously no-one leaves An Interview With a Hamster empty handed so here is a declaration of my love for you on the back of some bloke.
Let’s have a big hand for Charlie.
(Crowd gives a standing ovation)
And now to play us out Charlie has picked
Whigfield with Saturday Night
I’ve Been Hamster McKenzie. Thank you and GOODNIGHT