(Not) Celebrity Big Brother 2019


I thought it was you! I haven’t seen you in ages. How’s your mum?

Only joking, I don’t care about your mum.

But it has been a while. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing because I have, I’ve just been binning my efforts because they’ve been, as the French say, gash.

Don’t get your hopes up. I’m not publishing this because it’s a blogging masterpiece. You aren’t about to go on a voyage through a sea of words and pictures that will leave you arriving at the dock all moist (because of the waves I mean). I’m merely putting this one out there because of couple of you clowns in Twitter world have twisted my furry little arm.

The theme today is Celebrity Big Brother. Next year’s specifically. Which, if you’re reading this in the future (unlikely) is 2019.

Rumour has it there won’t even be a #CBB next year because it’s AWFUL and no one watches it anymore.

In fact I haven’t watched it myself since 2006 which was a glorious time filled with George Galloway pretending to be a cat, Pete Burns behaving like a prat and Preston from the Ordinary Boys trying to get in Chantelle Houghtons twat.

It had Maggot too


Should the producers of the doomed reality show decide to flog this stinky horse one year further, here are my predictions for the lucky individuals getting paid a fortune to not be watched by millions.


Lee Chapman

But which one is Lee?? Clearly the one on the right


Who?? This is the bloke who, in 2016, would’ve been EVERYWHERE. Well, everywhere in sporting circles because he was the world’s foremost Jamie Vardy lookalike. As lookalikes go he was very good unlike some out there.

I was actually on the books as a lookalike for Roland Rats mate Errol the Hamster though in reality I look more like his other mate Kevin the Gerbil. However for me to make a living out of looking like a gerbil would be the rodent equivalent of ‘blacking up’. You just don’t do it in the 21st century.


Denise Van Outen

Still, Big Breakfast was fun wasn’t it?


Just as it’s certain that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, so shall a Loose Woman enter the Big Brother house.

Let’s have a quick show of hands from those who hate Loose Women…

Yep everyone.

Except for her over there, no-one make eye contact.


Jon Flanagan

Happier times


Ticking the footballer box would normally involve a retired player with nothing better to do besides munch, but given that Jon Flanagan was recently charged with assault after venting some rage on his girlfriend in Liverpool last Christmas, it’s unlikely he’s going to be a pullout poster in Match magazine anytime soon.

He’s already been farmed out to Bolton on loan where he warmed the bench as they beat my beloved Bristol City last week.



Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag

They strike me as cunts


Aka Speidi. Because it’s been a while.


Kim Kardashians Surrogate

I’m trusting Google when it tells me this is her


Does anyone know her name yet? Whoever she is she would be the sort of person CBBies LOVE, making her a shoe-in for top dollar.

Though I imagine being baby Chicago’s flesh apartment for nine months paid pretty well.

I don’t know, I don’t have the facts. This is a bizarre and scary world for me and I tend to stay well out of it.


Wilnelia Merced

Nice to see you, to see you…


To those who don’t know Wilnelia is the late great Sir Bruce Forsyths widow.

She ticks a few boxes:
Former model, former actress, former wife, foreign.. the list goes on (actually it doesn’t which is why I stopped there).

She might be better suited for Strictly Come Dancing on reflection. That way she can get poked by one of the dancers too.


The Bristol City Ball Boy

You can’t see me but I’m in Lee Johnson’s pocket


Achieved fame for being swung through the air by Lee Johnson after our late winner against Man Utd. He’s a GIF and everything!

Might have to leave it for a few years. Not because he’s too young more because he’s still too famous.


Randall Margraves

You’d do it too


The American father who ran across a courtroom to rearrange the face of the penis who abused his daughters.
Gained the respect of parents the world over and fully deserving of a spot on the show which annually gives us hope that both Chuckle Brothers will be partaking this year.


The Chuckle Brothers

To me etc


This time please! It’s the only way I’m gonna watch.


Madylin Sweeten

Little Ally now has breasts. Where has the time gone?


I’ll see your ‘People you’ve never heard of’ and raise you a ‘Forgotten child actress’.

Introducing Ally Barone from the hit sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond.
Plucked her out of the air I did!


The Burke Brothers

They sing too


Two lovely northern lads who recently set up a Just Giving page for themselves so they could get £50 towards a car.

Cheeky, yes. Brilliant, definitely!

It got picked up on the Chris Moyles Show and the ended up with over £2500 worth of donations!

Get them in the house. I’m already voting.


Logan Paul

Looks like a Disney Prince though


Filmed someone who had committed suicide and put it on the internet. Didn’t consider people generally frown on that sort of caper. Ideal CBB fodder. Probably end up in the final because people love a cock.


So there you have it. The complete line up for Celebrity Big Brother 2019.
I don’t know how I come up with them but can you honestly tell me you don’t see this bunch getting cheered or booed by a bunch of dickheads stood in the cold while Emma Willis tries to tell them exactly where the camera is?

If Ray Winstone is reading this can you give me the odds on this line up please?
I might put a crafty pound on it.

H. McKenzie


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