The Man With The Golden Carrot – Part 3

**WARNING: If you haven’t read Parts 1 and 2 then none of this will make any bastard sense**
Welcome back to the third and final part of The Man with the Golden Carrot.
You rejoin us with our intrepid hero having completed his first foray into enemy territory.
Some days had passed since I conquered Swansea and I couldn’t wait for the phone to ring telling me where my next exciting adventure would be.
The call came. It was the same task as the last job but this time it was on the mean streets of a town that struck fear into the hearts of many a man, let alone a man on a dangerous mission.
That’s right. I was going to Cheltenham.

Straight outta Whaddon

As I said, it was the same scenario as before. Go to the address, fix a tracker to the car, bugger off out of there.
Another cheating spouse apparently. And I was the rodent to bring him down.
I left home about 11pm that night, meaning I should be there after midnight and I could merrily go about my business..
Well it took me bloody ages to find the place. It wasn’t a gated community but it was tucked away and didn’t show up on my satnav. So I had to park a fair way off and navigate it on foot through some dodgy looking lane.

At least it wasn’t raining this time

I eventually got there to be greeted by what appeared to be a HUGE property. That was my assumption anyway judged purely by the surrounding properties. I couldn’t see the house I was looking for because it was behind a ten foot wall and a solid wooden gate of similar height.
Now what??
I noticed next doors stupidly large gate was open so I snuck in there to find the adjoin wall was only about seven foot high but surrounded by bushes. Being quite arachnophobic I decided to give a midnight rummage in the undergrowth a swerve. Besides, I’m crap at climbing walls. I spent ages pacing around trying to find a way in but there was no conceivable way of accessing that property.
So that was it. Defeated. Only my second ever job in this fabulous industry and I’d fallen flat on this (points to face). I took my phone out my pocket and started messaging the big man to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that I was a useless prick.
Then I had an idea.
It was a crazy idea but, as they say in the cheesiest films, it might just be crazy enough to work.
I turned the handle on the gate.

It opened.
I peered through the gap in the previously impenetrable gate to reveal a very big garden and over to my left what can only be described as a fuck off big house. It had pillars that’s how big it was.

This ISN’T the house but it’s very similar

The only light I had was coming from, that’s right, the living room, where the couple were watching TV. Déjà vu. But that wasn’t all. There was another light on in a basement room which had teenagers in and they were perfectly positioned to see my feet should I have to walk that way.
And that was another issue. Where did I have to go in this massive garden? There were six vehicles there. SIX! And it was too dark to make any of the number plates out to know one to put the tracker on.
There were a couple over on the right hand side that I could just about make out as the wrong ones but the rest were parked on the far wall, past the house. But how best to get there?

Aerial shot of the garden

I decided clinging to the house was a bad move as I’d be seen by the teens and I didn’t want to go in the bushes on the right (spiders) so I thought to myself, as it was so dark in there, I’d just walk straight across. What could go wrong??
I set off at a brisk pace and got level with the teenager room when the whole garden lit up like the end of a concert. I’d set the bloody security lights off!
What could I do? I ran and dived behind a spider infested bush! When I say I dived it wasn’t like a Superman mid-flight dive, it was more of a lunging scramble for safety that you might expect a fat man to do were he being pursued by the Terminator or a Rad Fem.

Not me

The lights still on but certain I hadn’t been seen, I made a dash for the gate and waited outside until the floods reset. Once again in darkness I tried a new tactic.
Walking. Very. Slowly.
And as close to the bushes as I could safely get without being ensnared in a web.
I’d guess my painfully slow journey to the opposite side of the property was across about 40 metres and took approximately five hours (roughly) but I got there. I found the car and did my thing.
Did I do the same snail pace journey back out of there? Did I balls. I ran as fast as my little legs would take me, setting the lights off as I went. I closed the gate behind me and casually made the long trip back to the car as if I’d just popped out for a Take a Break.
Mission two was now complete!
I drove home feeling less Tom Cruise and more Frank Spencer than the first time but still pretty damned pleased with myself, already looking forward to making this my new career path.


And then it ended.
There could be no more.
One thing I’d never considered was how this affected my good lady wife and the truth is she didn’t enjoy it as much as I did. In fact it worried her immensely and given that she was pregnant with our first child I wasn’t willing to put her through it.
And so ended what was, for a couple of weeks at least, my dream job. Would I have made a name for myself in that game? Would I be wearing a mac and watching people from the shadows now had I stuck with it?
We’ll never know but I had a great time living the dream.
H. McKenzie


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