Celebrity Big Brother starts tonight… Sigh.
I haven’t watched it since that year George Galloway, Pete Burns and the rest of em lit up our screens with a beautiful blend of viciousness and fannying around. After that it’s all been an even mix of gash and poo. I say that, but I’ve not seen any since so the reality could be that the one I loved was the worst one. I’ll never know but I’m happy to continue judging books by their cover.
Anyway, I thought as I have this blog I could make up my own Celebrity Big Brother. It’s not associated with the real thing but I have nicked its sets, images, format and presenter.
Now sit back and relax as we start a new series of Hammys Celebrity Big Brother.
(Usual theme plays)
Emma Willis: Good evening and welcome to a brand new series of Celebrity Big Brother and this year its sponsored by Bristolian nobody – Hamster McKenzie!
We’re also being sponsored by George at Asda so you may see me change my outfit at various points throughout the night…
So without further ado lets meet our first housemate!
Its Geoffrey from Rainbow!
(Geoffrey walks on to Since You’ve Been Gone by Rainbow)
Emma: Welcome Geoffrey, how are you feeling?
Geoffrey: Nervous but excited thanks love.
E: Now the public know you best from..
G: Don’t bloody say Rainbow, Emma. I’ve had a right arseful of that show and if I ever see any of those dafty pricks I used to work with again I’m gonna kick them square in the tits.
E: Lets hear it for Geoffrey!
Geoffrey walks towards the house but not before ripping a toy Bungle out of a womans grasp and drop kicking it over the roof.
Emma: Lets have housemate number two..
(A figure steps through the doors as Michael Jacksons Dirty Diana plays)
Emma: Its Paul Burrell!
Paul: Now really there’s no need.
E: Paul Burrell, you’re most well known for bleeding the memory of Princess Diana bone dry, can we expect to see you clinging on to a big name in the house so you can feed off the crumbs of popularity they drop on the floor?
P: You know she called me her rock?
E: Paul Burrell everyone!
(crowd boos as Paul walks into the house)
Emma: Lets meet housemate number three!
(Chumbawumbas Tubthumping kicks in and out walks..)
Its Ant McPartlin!!
Ant: Wye aye Emma pet!
Emma: Ant so good to see you back on your feet so soon after everything that’s happened.
A: I know pet, it is a bit sooner than expected but its all gone to shit out here so I’m thinking it can’t be any worse in there now can it?
E: Well we’ve provided you with alcohol free champagne tonight so you stay on the straight and narrow.
A: As long as there’s no driving tasks we’ll be fine pet.
E: Ant McPartlin everyone!
Lets find out who our next housemate is..
(Men At Work – Down Under thunders over the speakers as we are met with..)
Emma: It’s Ray Meagher!!
Ray: G’day Emma.
E: Ray you’re best know over here for playing Alf Stewart in Home And Away. Are you looking forward to seeing your new HOME or will you be looking to get AWAY as soon as possible?
R: Well it all depends what the NEIGHBOURS are like ya flaming gallah!
E: Well done Ray in you go.
Time to meet housemate number five!
(Whitney Houstons Saving All My Love belts out as from behind the door steps..)
Emma: Its Neville Southall!
Neville: Alright there butt?
E: Neville, you played in goal at the highest level, how do you think the Big Brother house will compare?
N: Well there better not being any balls flying towards me in there, isn’t it boyo?
E: And how about the twitter account, won’t you miss that?
N: No I’ve left that with a bunch of blokes in Huggies, it’ll be tidy.
E: Neville Southall everyone!
Emma: Housemate Number six then?
(The Rolling Stones – Paint It Black starts up as the doors open..)
Emma: Its Roseanne Barr!
(The crowd boos)
Roseanne: Fuck off
Emma: Roseanne nice to meet you.
R: Yeah well I’m only here because I pissed my chance at restarting my career away. I tell ya if I ever see another black person I’ll go nuts.
E: Well I don’t share your views but I think you’ll be alright inside the Big Brother House, in you go, Roseanne everyone!
Lets find out who housemate number seven is!
(Nellys Hot In Herre starts playing as the doors open to reveal..)
Emma: It’s the prick with a fork, it’s Ainsley Harriott!
Ainsley: Hello Emma dah-ling!
E: Now you’ve been known to create a stir in the kitchen, can we expect a stir in any other rooms?
A: Well put it this way, I’ve brought a ripe aubergine with me and I plan on dipping it in someones fondue, Oooohh!
E: Ainsley Harriott everyone!
(Crowd goes potty)
Lets cart out housemate number eight!!
(Chaka Khans I’m Every Woman fires up..)
Emma: Its Gemma Collins!!
Gemma: Alright Ems?
E: So good to see you giving it another go in the Big Brother house.
G: Well I feel the public never got to see the real me.
E: Wow you sound different. You sound a lot like Frank Butcher!
G: Yeah well, I’ve been puttin’ on this bloody dopey voice for the cameras for bleedin’ ages now and its time I came out as me.
E: Well I like it and the crowd likes it too don’t you?
G: Fack off you rotten cants!
E: Get yourself in the house Gemma Collins!
Let’s meet housemate number nine!
(This time The Joker by The Steve Miller Band plays..)
Its Miranda Hart!!
(Some cheers, some boos from the crowd)
Emma: Hello you!
Miranda: Helloooo! Ooh I’m a bit on edge!
E: You’ll be fine. We know you for your funny antics on your shitty self-titled show, what Miranda are we going to see in the CBB house?
M: Oooh I’m going to be a right annoying prick Emma.
E: Pretty much what we all thought.
Go on then, fuck off indoors.
Its Miranda Hart!!
(Miranda prat falls up the steps and makes a face to camera, nobody laughs. NOBODY)
Lets meet our final housemate!
(The doors open this time to some god awful bagpipe music)
Its Janette Krankie!!
Emma: Wee Janette you look fabulous!
Janette: Och ye no lookin’ tae feckin’ bad y’self!
E: And how are you going to spend your time in the CBB house?
J: Aam gonnae feck shite up ye wee whoor’.
E: Well we can’t wait can we? Janette Krankie!!
(Janette takes seven minutes climbing the stairs before mooning at the top to rapturous applause)
Emma: So there they are, your ten housemates! Over the coming weeks there will be tasks, surprises and of course evictions!
We’ll be back next week with highlights of what’s been happening.
We’ll see you soon