A young Bruce Forsyth once said “Life is the name of the game and I wanna play the game with you”. Actually he wasn’t that young at the time. But he was alive which is more than he can say now.
Or is it?..
We all know he kicked the bucket but what happened to him after that? Many people would have you believe he’s floating on a cloud somewhere with Kurt Cobain and Prince, talking about all the sweet ass they scored over the years. Others would have you believe he’s been reincarnated as your cousins thirteenth child to a twelfth different bloke (one lot were twins) so she can get more benefits. Good game indeed.
I’m thinking I might come back as a man, see how that feels.
Of course, there will be those that say Mr F’s gone straight to hell because they didn’t like the bloke. Not me though, I loved him and his cabaret pizzazz.
You know where all this is leading don’t you? You’re not daft. All this Brucie intro is just a cleverly thought out plot so I can tell you what I think happens when you die. I could’ve just condensed it down into a daft tweet but then it’d get lost in the timeline and only six people would’ve liked it. At least this way I can add a few informative pictures with dopey captions to it.
“So come on then Hammy, what do you think happens when we die?” you all cry in unison.
I don’t know. That’s the answer.
I don’t know what the lay out is, maybe it’s clouds, maybe fire but I reckon it’s pretty much like wherever you are now (unless you’re reading this in Swindon because that’d just be a cruel way to spend eternity).
It’ll be a place with a warm sunny sky and trees and grass. No poop though. You could go to a nice picnic spot and not have to move the blanket, already laced with food and trainers to stop it blowing about, because you’ve only just noticed an Alsatian had recently deposited last nights Pedigree Chum six feet from where you set up camp and its putting you off your Dairy Lea triangles.
There’ll be nice flowers everywhere too. Not that I’m that guy but it is nice to see a street lined with well arranged floral displays, hanging baskets and the like. No litter either. Oh and a band on every block. Not like U2 or Foo Fighters mind, the Salvation Army or something, background noise.
So yeah, lovely stuff.
But the best (or worst thing depending on your stance) is the DATABASE!
What is it? It’s a log of EVERYTHING that’s ever happened.
I’m gonna say it’s all stored in a huge, sci-fi still building of the future. So high it makes the Burj Khalifa look like Arkwrights shop in Open All Hours.
So wide it has a fair few Service Stations lining the circumference just so you can have a break as you try passing round it.
It’s so big that you’d take one look at it and say “Well that’s just bloody ridiculous, Trevor”. Yes, I’m assuming you’d be there with someone called Trevor, because there’s a lot of dead Trevors out there so odds are you’re never far from one in the afterlife.
You know what else was ridiculously big? The Mothership in Independence Day: Resurrection. It covered most of the earth when it landed which is ludicrous and ruined a perfectly good franchise for me.
Where was I?
So yeah, the Database is huge, but very handily, there’s an app. On this app you can look up anything to do with your life and indeed the life of anyone else.
Wanna know how many seconds you were alive?
Wanna know what you ate for lunch on 23rd June 2002?
That’s there too?
Wanna know how many times Ella Fitzgerald had diarrhoea in the sixties?
All there baby.
On top of all this wonderful, juicy info is the ability to witness history. Remember the Holodeck in Star Trek: The Next Generation? For those that don’t it was basically Virtual Reality. You walked into a room and it changed into the scene of your choosing for you to fully interact with, and it looked real too. In the afterlife your luxury apartment overlooking Sainsburys is kitted out with one of these holodecks which is hooked up to the Database. So you can walk in and view first hand the unfolding events of 9/11 (should you want to). You could submerge yourself in the very first Woodstock. You might want to experience the Moonlanding for yourself! Its all there waiting for you.
Other things you can experience:
The first ever script reading of Rainbow (#RIPGeoffrey – Alive when I started this blog)
Trisha Goddard turning up the heating.
Cilla Black getting a smack in the Cavern after trying to nick someones coat.
Philip Schofield having a shit.
Jimmy Savill being a nonce for the first time.
Pete Burns having surgery.
Joey McIntyre from New Kids On The Block having a crafty wank.
Someone falling off their bike in the playground near where you used to live.
Theresa Mays Great Grandad putting his socks on.
Every lie your partner ever told.
Jo Brand shaving her legs.
Madonna shaving her arse.
The lead singer from Mis-teeq performing her longest ever fart.
Terry Wogan using a cashpoint.
Handy Andy from Changing Rooms pissing over the toilet seat.
Some bloke called Simon from Crewe opening his laptop then shutting it again as he realises he doesn’t have time for that now as Holby City’s on in a minute.
Your Grandad fingering your Nan.
You could even watch yourself reading this blog!
I could go on and on, and I have.
Hopefully all the above is accurate otherwise all I have to look forward to is a shoebox in the back garden and having my ass eaten by next doors cat.
By the way, don’t go ending it all on my say so just incase I’m wrong and it IS like Swindon. I couldn’t rest in peace knowing I’d done that to you.