I live in fear.
Fear that a past event is going to catch up with me. I did something truly terrible a while ago and somehow managed to forget about it… until now.
It was a mistake really. A crime of passion. I’d seen other people doing it and thought “Yeah, I can do that. Why shouldn’t I?”
So I did it.
I applied for the London Marathon 2020.
In fairness to me it was a full year off when I applied and, truly speaking, its still the best part of a year off now. So why am I bothered? Because they contact the successful applicants around October/November time and, if my calculations are correct, that’s only three god damn months away! If I get the nod that’ll be Christmas down the pan won’t it? No Toblerones for you Hammy or else Santa wont be emptying his sack in your downstairs this year.
I’ll need a good six months of purely easing into it because if you asked me to run to the corner shop now I’d look like Alan Brazil as I wheezed past the newspapers and I’d look like Doris Day by the time I got to the counter (dead).
Aside from the fact that I am grossly unfit (not to look at mind, I’m quite the catch) and the issue of not owning any footwear suitable for walking fast never mind running, I have another concern. There’s one thing I’ve never been able to do in public. Actually there’s a boat load of things I cant do in public, here’s a list of some:
• Pretend I’m Batman
• Pretend I’m Jimmy Tarbuck
• Eat a live monkey
• Build a den made entirely of used condoms
• Eat a dead monkey
• Count to one million
• Shout Desmond REALLY loud
• Break my own neck
• Cook a tree
• Filate a swan
• Tell a Lollipop lady she’s my tenderoni
• Find Daniel Sturridge’s dog
• Throw a child over a fence..
The list goes on..
But in relation to the topic the one thing I can’t do in public is stretch. The muscle warming kind of stretch. I feel really awkward doing it because I know I look like Louis Theroux trying to rap.
It may date back to my first PE lesson in Senior School when the teacher told us boys to do a particular kind of stretch so that we could “Feel our groin touch our inner thigh” which I felt was weird, though not as weird as in the shower when he asked us to feel his groin on our inner thigh. Nothing was proven.
I’m already thinking of viable excuses to either (a) get out of it or to (b) post a justifiably shite time. The obvious reason people achieve slow finish times is because they’re dressed up in funny costumes like a dinosaur, a post box or Dave Lee Travis.
Maybe I can go dressed as a hamster on a fully functioning wheel and finish the whole thing in 45 minutes.
Either way, pray for me.